Great StarClan, there are FanFictions of us!
by ilovewarriorcats123
Summary: After an Internet security breach, the Clan cats discover FanFiction .net. What happens when they encounter fanfics of… themselves? Follow our favorite warrior cats as they read some of the worst warrior cat fics in the history of the Clans! / Human-warriors AU. / INCLUDES STARGLEAM HORROR!
1. Firestar

**Hey guys! I know I'm supposed to be working on TRotR, but I'm having issues with that and I feel like I need to shift my attention to something new. So, here we go!**

 **Some things to take note of beforehand:**

 **\- I don't think this has ever been done for the Warriors fandom, but I must give credit where it is due. I got the idea from Akela Victoire's story,** ** _Oh My Dragon! There are FanFictions of Us!_** **for the Winx Club fandom. So, check that out if you'd like.**

 **\- The abbreviation for this will be GSC (Great StarClan). I know that sounds weird, but it's probably better than GSCTAFFOU. If anyone has a better abbreviation, let me know!**

 **\- Contains spoilers for everything from the first series to the Last Hope.**

 **On with the story!**

* * *

CHAPTER 1: FIRESTAR

"Attention all warriors. The Warriors Wide Web is currently broken. StarClan is trying to fix it, but it'll take at least a moon to get the Internet back."

Firestar groaned. He really depended so much on the Internet! And he wasn't the only one. Around him, people were complaining.

"What is this?"

"Impossible! It has never before been broken."

"They're expecting me to go a _moon_ without Wi-fi? How is that possible?"

Firestar turned the radio back on to hear what else the StarClan cat had to say. But what he said next was something very unexpected.

"In the meantime, StarClan has managed to find a replacement. It is called the World Wide Web, used by Twolegs. We installed it on all of your computers. Go on, check it out. You might even have fun. In the meantime, we are working furiously to bring the Internet back. If you use this replacement, you won't even notice it by the time a moon has passed."

Oh well. Firestar missed the old Internet, but surely this couldn't be too bad… right?

He opened up the laptop and decided to browse the Internet. After poking around, he found a site called fanfiction .net. _Hmm… I wonder what that is._ He clicked on it.

"Hmm… what's this?" He saw a screen that had categories of "FanFictions". Firestar clicked "Books", not knowing what this was really about.

Another screen popped up, and his eyes went round. This list was filled with _thousands_ of books. Maybe Twolegs weren't as dumb as he thought. "What's there?" Firestar started scanning the left column of the list and read it, starting from the top. "Harry Potter, Twilight, Percy Jackson and the whatever, Lord of the Rings, Hunger Games… Warriors?" There was something about _them_? He clicked the "Warriors" button with the mouse.

The first thing that hit him was the huge "Filter" button. Curiously, Firestar clicked on it. He found a pop-up that enabled him to search for stories more easily! Firestar decided to search for stories specifically about him. After all, he was awesome, right?

When he clicked on it, he scanned the list of fanfics.

"There are stories about me being reunited with Princess? That's never going to happen."

"What does that say?" Firestar read the summary of the story. _"Summery sucks but the story is actually good."_

"Of course the summary is bad. They don't even know how to spell it!" Firestar angrily paced around the room. Clicking to see what the story was about, his eyes nearly bugged out in dismay. It took a while to recover.

"This… this is about me going back to my Twoleg nest?" Firestar screeched. "How preposterous! I would _never_ do such a thing, for the love of StarClan! Anyways, I've had enough. Maybe the romance section will cheer me up." Firestar clicked the "Filter" button again and changed "All Genres" to "Romance".

"Fire x Sand? Ah well, that is to be expected"…

"Fire x Gray? We're best friends, but we're not homosexual.

"Fire x Cinder? I mentored her, but isn't that going a little too far?

"Fire x Scourge? What is it with the gay pairings? I killed him, in case you guys have forgotten. And we are half-brothers, for StarClan's sake!

"Fire x Spotted? Now finally there's a pairing that makes sense!" **(yeah Firestar we all know you've been cheating on Sandstorm for StarClan-knows how long)**

Firestar stared eagerly at the screen, hoping that a pairing like the last one would show up. Instead, his eyes popped out in shock.

"Fire x Tiger! WHAT IN STARCLAN'S NAME IS GOING ON?!" In one swift, fluent move, Firestar opened the window, picked up the device, and threw the unfortunate laptop into his front lawn, watching with satisfaction as it broke into pieces.

* * *

 **Up next: Squirrelflight!**


	2. Squirrelflight

**Hey guys. I had nothing better to do today so I decided to read Starkit's Prophecy. For those of you who don't know, Starkit's Prophecy is a legend in the Warriors' fandom. It is arguably the worst fanfic (to be polite, let's go with best troll-fic) ever written for Warriors. Go check it out, you'll die of laughter.**

 **Snowcrystal of ThunderClan:** **I won't mention any story names, don't worry. This is all purely from an anonymous standpoint. The only exception I might make is Starkit's Prophecy (lol)**

 **TheHighRhulian: ****Sure! It'll be short, but you'll still get to see plenty of characters!**

 **Noelia Taisho:** **There's going to be tons like this.**

 **PaccoThePenguin: ****The Warriors Wide Web is a completely different Internet than what we use. It's probably got a bunch of warriors' stuff, but nothing more.**

 **Beeflight: ****I would love for the warrior cats to see Starkit's Prophecy. That would be really funny. And Squirrelflight does see a Bramble x Jessy story. She really freaks out about it.**

* * *

CHAPTER 2: SQUIRRELFLIGHT

"I'm bored," Squirrelflight yawned, settling down on her sofa. It had been a few moons since Lionblaze and Jayfeather moved out of her home to settle in their own apartment, and she already missed them. "Maybe I'll browse this new Internet."

She opened up her laptop and went to Google. She typed 'warriors' in it, hoping to get to the ClanTV site. Instead, one of the search suggestions was 'warriors fanfiction'. Curiously, she clicked on it, and it lead her to a page called 'Warriors FanFiction Archive'.

"Why are there fanfictions of me breaking Bramblestar's heart?" Squirrelflight wondered. "I didn't hurt his feelings _that_ badly." Looking further down the page, she gasped. "And why are there fics of Bramblestar mating with Jessy? There is no mention of that she-cat in my house. I will NOT tolerate it!"

"What are you screaming about?" came Bramblestar's sleepy voice from the bedroom.

"Nothing. Go back to sleep, dear," called Squirrelflight. "And there are tons of AUs out here too, whatever that's supposed to mean," she added, going back to the screen.

"Okay, let's see Romance. Hmm…

"Squirrelflight x Stormfur? He's got a mate in the Tribe, so we don't really see much of each other…

"Squirrelflight x Hollyleaf?

"Squirrelflight x Leafpool? What, I'm a lesbian now?"

She stared at the screen at the next pairing.

"Squirrelflight x _Scrouge_? I don't even know him, and besides, he hates my father's guts!

"Squirrelflight x Crowfeather? That's not happening!" Squirrelflight looked extremely shocked. "And Squirrelflight x _Ashfur_? That pyromaniac? OMSC that is just _EMBARRASSING_!"

Then she saw the next pairing, and gasped out loud.

"Wait," she stammered, "B-B-Bramblestar a-and _LEAFPOOL_?

"Die you infernal villains!" she roared, slamming the laptop shut and cracking the screen, cursing her computer for about twenty minutes straight.

And that, my friends, is the story of how Windows 10 went out of business.

* * *

 **Update: I was just kidding about the Windows 10 part, but seriously, I kind of hate it. It's annoying how they keep pressuring us to update because "it's a free offer and it's the best Windows ever invented!" Free offer? There's got to be something fishy about that. I'm glad the update expired today.**

 **Next up is: Hollyleaf!**


	3. Hollyleaf

**Warning: Contains grammar and spelling errors which will make you want to fall over and smack yourself on the head. If it is unintelligible, I apologize in advance.**

 **Briardust: No problem! Here's an update! I've never really been that big a fan of human AUs, but now I sort of like them.**

 **0o Half Moon o0:** **Thanks for the support! Here's the next chapter! Hollyleaf's going to be _so_ mad...**

 **Tanglehawkthebird:** **I looked at my table of contents, and Jayfeather is next. So he can discover all the fics about him!**

 **Snowcrystal of ThunderClan:** **Coming right up is Hollyleaf, included with a bonus... Stargleam!1!1!1**

* * *

CHAPTER 3: HOLLYLEAF

 _"_ _Ahahaha," cackled Stargleam, "I died it! The cln cats r so stooped, they dont now wht I'm doig!1!1!1_

 _She was playing with a laptop, fiddling with the keyboard. "They feel 4 it. They thik they can get th Warrior Wide Web beck, but their rong. I'm gonna make sur they nevr get it bach. I wat to reed all the fics I can!" She opened up a story on Fanfiction .net, and squealed in delight._

 _"_ _These storys are so gud!" Stargleam yelled. "OMSC I'm in luv with thees he-cat_ **(he-cat LOL)** _. He's so KAWAII!1!1!1"_

 _She sat there, laughing evilly and thinking of all the pranks she could play on the poor, unsuspecting Clans._

* * *

Hollyleaf was in StarClan, looking at the new Internet in her iPad. It seemed pretty cool – that is, until she came to FanFiction .net.

"Warriors?" she asked curiously, tapping on it. Two seconds later she wished she'd never clicked on it.

A screen of fanfics came. Hollyleaf scanned the list and smiled approvingly. "Oh, there's one about me being one of the Three," she said. "It's nice to see that people really approve of me, rather than that brat Dovewing…"

"Don't call your distant cousin a brat," a voice said.

Hollyleaf turned around in shock. " _Ashfur_?" she gasped. "Why are _you_ here?"

"There's no law against me spying on my extremely annoying, WARRIOR CODE-following murderer," he smirked. "And what are you doing, by the way?"

"Go away," said Hollyleaf in disgust. She turned her attention back to the iPad screen.

"Hey, what's that?" asked Ashfur, looking at the FanFiction screen. Hollyleaf groaned.

"Will you go away? You're not supposed to be in my house!"

"Make me," Ashfur smirked. But then he stared at the screen. "What, these people don't know what spell-check is?"

"And why are there so many fics of me and my brothers in high school! That doesn't make sense!" Hollyleaf exclaimed. "And why am I always pictured as a goody-goody girl? Just because I'm the ultimate preserver of the WARRIOR CODE doesn't mean I'm a teachers' pet."

"Um, you kind of are," Ashfur pointed out.

Hollyleaf glared at him. "Shut up." She looked back at the iPad. "Maybe seeing some Romance fics will get that image out of my mind…

"Hollyleaf x Fallen Leaves? Okay, cool.

"Hollyleaf x Mousewhisker? I don't get that one.

"Hollyleaf x Blackstar? Now that's just wrong! Not to mention it breaks the WARRIOR CODE"…

"Here we go again," Ashfur facepalmed.

"Hollyleaf x Sol? I almost killed him! Why would I want to be his mate?

"Hollyleaf x … WARRIOR CODE? How is that possible?

"Hollyleaf x Ashfur? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hollyleaf flung the iPad across the room. Ashfur was dying of laughter.

"That is so disturbing," Hollyleaf gasped. "I'm going to make some coffee. That's the only thing that can get that… _image_ out of my mind." She got up from the sofa and glared at Ashfur. "And you'd _better_ be gone by the time I come back."

Ashfur was still chortling as he picked up the iPad off the floor. He looked at the Holly x Ash fic. "Hmm… let's see what this is all about." He tapped on the story and started to read.

Then his eyes went wide, and he slowly started to choke.

"What… in… the… name of… StarClan," Ashfur howled, throwing the iPad onto the bed. "Do they know how many libel suits we can pull for this… That website should be banned. Banned in the name of the WARRIOR CODE!"

He jumped up and ran out to the door.

"Hey Hollyleaf! MAKE ME SOME COFFEE TOO!"

* * *

 **Next up: Jayfeather!**


	4. Jayfeather and Lionblaze

**Hey guys! Sorry it took me forever to update. This chapter was actually pretty hard to write, because I wanted to get Jayfeather's character perfect. But here it is.**

 **Snowcrystal of ThunderClan:** **Yeah, funny, isn't it? I hope this chapter is funny too!**

 **0o Half Moon o0:** **Looks like Ashfur and Hollyleaf share a common trait: they're bothh caffeine addicts. XD**

 **KittyNoaStar: ****Hey there! I thought Holly x code would be funny because, well, she kinda worships it.**

 **Sunny211: ****Yeah, I really don't like Windows 10. From what I've heard, it's better to just stay away from it.**

 **Inherifan1:** **Cookies for you! (::) Here's your update.**

 **Note: Jayfeather is legally blind in this chapter, not fully blind. I do not know much about legal blindness or how it affects people, so if my information is incorrect, I apologize in advance. This is also mostly about Jayfeather, but we've got some Lionblaze in there.**

* * *

CHAPTER 4: JAYFEATHER AND LIONBLAZE

 _"_ _Ahh!1!1!1!" Stargleam yelled. "Its Jayfethe's trn to c the sit? Oh, yaaaas." She turned on her iPhone6s, cackling. "Wer gonna hve_ so _mush fun"…_

 **(a/n: Sorry if that was completely illegible…)**

* * *

One day, something super bad happened out of nowhere.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" yowled Lionblaze, running around in circles. "WHYYY?"

Jayfeather came in at that moment to see his crazy brother yowling about something. "What's the matter?" he demanded.

"We're out of ice cream!" bawled Lionblaze, banging his head on the sofa. "I'm so hungry right now!"

Jayfeather rolled his eyes. "Didn't you just eat about a thousand of Cinderheart's snickerdoodles?"

"Yes," whined Lionblaze, "but it tastes good with something sweet and cold to wash it down. I want ice cream, and I want it _now_!"

Jayfeather sighed. "You know, I heard Cloudtail's Ice-Creamería is just opening up. We can go get some."

"Yes!" Lionblaze jumped up excitedly. "Only I'm driving."

"Why you?" asked Jayfeather.

"You're blind, remember?"

"Oh, yeah."

* * *

 **~1,000,000,000,000 ice-cream cones later~**

* * *

"I'm stuffed," Jayfeather groaned, lying down on the sofa. Lionblaze followed suit.

"I had no idea that Cloudtail sold fifty varieties of ice-cream," Lionblaze said excitedly.

"Shut up," muttered Jayfeather, trying to tune him out. Lionblaze didn't take the hint.

"Vanilla, lemon, chocolate, strawberry, mouse, fish, rabbit"…

"No seriously, be quiet," Jayfeather said again. "I _never_ want to hear about ice-cream for the rest of my life."

"Right," said Lionblaze. "So what do we do now?"

Jayfeather was about to answer when he suddenly got a text from Hollyleaf. Sighing, he turned on his phone to read the text.

 _Hollyleaf: go look at this website. Type fanfiction .net into the address bar of whatever browser you use. You have to. Like, right now._

 _Fanfiction .net?_ thought Jayfeather. He remembered Firestar saying something to him about it on his way to drink the tenth soda of the day. _If Firestar drank ten sodas after seeing that, he must have been_ really _upset…_

"Oh, fine," Jayfeather grumbled to himself. "I'll just do it, because I've got nothing better to do. But this had better not be some sort of prank, Hollyleaf"… He typed fanfiction .net into the address bar and it showed up.

"What are you doing?" asked Lionblaze, looking over Jayfeather's phone. "What's that? Fanfiction .net?"

"Yeah, some weird site on the World Wide Web," answered Jayfeather. "This browser is really terrible. I mean, look at all the ads!"

"At least we have Internet," Lionblaze said optimistically.

Jayfeather glared at him. "You're always optimistic about everything. When the Dark Forest attacked, you were totally like, "Oh, it's no big deal! Just let them blow up ThunderClan. And then"…

"All right, all right," said Lionblaze hastily. "Hey, what's this?" he asked, looking at the screen. He saw a category called 'Warriors'. "That's cool." He tapped on it.

Another screen popped up. To Lionblaze's shock, he saw thousands upon thousands stories of… them? "Hey Jay, they're writing about _us_!"

"Really?" gasped Jayfeather, looking at it. "Great StarClan, look at this! What is this abomination?"

"Some of these stories are okay," remarked Lionblaze. "They're not _that_ bad."

Jayfeather snorted. "Sure they aren't. Just look at the grammar."

"Great StarClan, the grammar _is_ terrible!" gasped Lionblaze. "And the spelling is atrocious as well. Who would post stories like this?"

Jayfeather muttered under his breath, "If Lionblaze of all cats is complaining about spelling, then these stories must be _really_ bad"…

"And look at _this_!" Lionblaze pointed to a story. At the top, the authors' note said:

 ** _flamers ur all a bunch of meanies! U don't like, don't read. ilovwarriors19 how dare you post that nasty review?!_**

The story itself was written in block paragraphs, making it nearly impossible to read, and filled with syntax errors. Jayfeather clicked on 'Reviews'.

"Some of these reviews are actually quite constructive and helpful," noted Lionblaze. "They're not really that mean."

"Yeah. Learn the difference between con crit and flaming!" added Jayfeather.

Lionblaze smirked. "This is coming from the guy who got mad at Leafpool for telling him the difference between yarrow and marigold."

Jayfeather was about to yell at his brother when he caught ahold of something on the screen. "Oh my StarClan, look at this"… He pointed to the screen, which was filled with pairings.

"Lionblaze x Heathertail? I thought you broke up with her moons ago!

"Lionblaze x Icecloud? Seriously?

"Lionblaze x Breezepelt? What's up with that?

"Give me that." Lionblaze grabbed the phone. His face went slack. "What is with all these pairings?"

"Is it really that bad?" Jayfeather giggled.

"No, I'm talking about you!"

Jayfeather stopped laughing and stared at his brother. "There are pairings about _me_?"

"I think you're been paired with more cats than any other cat in the universe!" Lionblaze gasped. "And I shouldn't have thought that was possible! Here." He gave his brother the phone.

"Jayfeather x Half Moon?" gasped Jayfeather. "Isn't she, like, dead?

"Jayfeather x Briarlight? How can we like each other? She can't move without the help of a wheelchair!

"Jayfeather x Spottedleaf? No. No. NO! She is way too old for me! And she's a creepy stalker!

"Jayfeather x Cinderheart?"

"You've been going out with my girlfriend!" yowled Lionblaze.

"I have not!" Jayfeather snapped back. "Jayfeather x Poppyfrost? That annoying kid from high school? No way…

"Jayfeather x Willowshine? WE'VE HATED EACH OTHER SINCE KINDERGARTEN! We're not going to start dating!

"Jayfeather x Yellow… WHY ARE YOU PAIRING ME WITH OLD LADIES? She's old enough to be my grandfather's grandma!

He stared at the screen for a moment. Then his eyes went wide. "Jayfeather x STICK? NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU94574349=3\3!#&)(^%$ #^&*)*&$#$&*)*%$%^*(*%$$%^&*(##$%^&*)*&%&*()*&^# ! #$%^&*(*&^%$#$%^&*(*&^%$#$% $%&()_&$# #$%^&*! #$%^&*()(*&^%$#$%^&*()(*&^%$#$%^% $%&**&$#! ())(&^$# ! #&*)++){}}"::p"{_o(*&%$^*)*^##$%^&*()(&^%$# {}|}:?:}}}:)(*^%$%}{::}(*y%$%^&*((*&^%$#$%^&*((wryre #%^&*()*&^%$#$%^&*(*&^%$#$%^&*&^%$%^&*(*&^%$%^&*(*&^%^&*(&^%^-!

Lionblaze was lying on the ground, laughing so hard. Jayfeather glared at him and Lionblaze stopped laughing.

"You're going down, Hollyleaf!" Jayfeather screamed, writing an angry text to his sister. "Why did you have to send me this website? You'd better get StarClan to remove this World Wide Web thingy permanently, because I'm coming down with crack-shipping fever!"

"What's that?" asked Lionblaze, puzzled. He's never seen Jayfeather this upset (except for the time when he broke up with his stick of course).

"These FanFiction authors gave it to me!" Jayfeather yowled. "I'm going to be shipped with every she-cat on the planet! And there's only one cure for that!"

"What?"

"MORE ICE-CREAM!" bawled Jayfeather, running out of the apartment and into the streets, screaming. Lionblaze rolled his eyes.

"And they say _I'm_ the crazy one."

* * *

 **I hate it when people write their stories in block paragraphs. It may be a really good story, with a good plot and everything. But if the author chooses to lump everything into one big paragraph, I can't read it. I just can't.**

 **Review and you'll get some specialty ice cream, handmade at Cloudtail's Ice-Creamería!**


	5. Dovewing and Ivypool

**Thirty-six reviews? That's pretty awesome, especially considering I've only uploaded four chapters. *applause* Ice-cream for everyone!**

 **Snowcrystal of ThunderClan:** **It** ** _is_** **annoying when people write everything in block text, right? I agree. Putting line breaks every time a cat speaks is better than block text!**

 **Tanglehawkthethird: ****Yeah, don't we all? *gives away more ice-cream***

 **Golden-Tailed Hawk:** **Here's more! This chapter isn't so great, but the next one's better.**

 **Flower: ****Thanks for the compliment!**

 **0o Half Moon o0:** **Mind if I just call you Half Moon? Jay x Stick… literally the best pairing ever.**

 **Guest: ****Here's more!**

 **Beeflight: ****Yay, cookies! I'll try to fit in some of those pairings and some of those cats, but not all!**

 **Briardust: Here's some mouse-flavored ice-cream! Just don't try the one labeled mouse-dung… *shudders***

 **Snowfall16:** **Did you really post a story with block text? That's funny XD. I also updated to Windows 10 a while ago, but went back because my dad told me a bunch of horror stories about it. Afterwards I never updated again.**

 **KittyNoaStar:** **One scoop Smurf-flavor coming up… limited edition only!**

 **Wow, that was a lot! Anyways, onto next chapter!**

* * *

CHAPTER 5: DOVEWING AND IVYPOOL

 _Hollyleaf was wandering the streets of Silverpelt when she felt her phone buzz. She had just received a text from Jayfeather._

 _ **Jayfeather:**_ _I'm a blind cat on a diet of ice-cream, so let's make this quick. WHY did you introduce me to fanfiction .net? What kind of a sister are you? That was NOT nice! Get StarClan to remove the World Wide Web or I'll stalk you in your dreams forever! Mrrrawww!1!1!1!1!1!_

 _'_ _What is he talking about?' thought Hollyleaf, shocked. 'I didn't introduce him to fanfiction .net! It wasn't me!'_

 _Hollyleaf scrolled through all of her texts. To her surprise, she saw a message titled "FanFiction", which apparently she had sent to tell Jayfeather about fanfiction .net. But she knew that wasn't her! She couldn't have sent that message!_

 _'_ _Wait,' she thought to herself, 'if I didn't send that message, then who did?'_

* * *

Dovewing was playing on her laptop when she received an email. "Hmm, what's this?" She opened up her Inbox.

She just received an email titled 'FanFiction'. "Hmmm… oh yeah, I know what that is! It's the weird site everyone's been talking about? I've been meaning to check it out anyways."

Dovewing could not identify the sender of the email; the only thing on the email was a link leading to fanfiction .net. She was puzzled but clicked on it anyways.

A few seconds later, her eyes bugged out.

"Hey Ivy, you've gotta see this," she said.

Ivypool came into her sister's room wearing a pair of jeans and T-shirt. She had on a pair of dirty tennis shoes. The two twins were very different: while Dovewing loved dressing up, Ivypool was more of a tomboy.

"I was just going out to play tennis with Foxleap," she complained. "What is it? Is it another one of your lame ClanTV soap operas?"

"Look at this," gasped Dovewing. "It's a site about… _us_. People are writing all sorts of stories about us!"

Ivypool regarded the screen with interest. "Really?" she laughed. "Dovewing x Tigerheart? Didn't you dump him a long time ago?"

"This is serious – wait a minute, _what_?" Dovewing gasped. "Who put up all these pairings? Dovewing x Bumblestripe? I dumped him, too!"

Ivypool started to laugh so hard that Dovewing glared at her. "Why are you laughing? Don't you see how horrible this is?" she gasped, looking back at the screen. "Hey FanFiction authors! Stop calling me a Mary-sue! I'm _so_ not one!"

"That's hilarious," snickered Ivypool. "I'm going to call you that from now on, whatever it's supposed to mean. Mary-sue."

Dovewing glared at her. "Oh yeah? Well, let's see what they have to say about _you_!" She clicked on the filters and chose 'Ivypool'.

Ivypool stared at the stories that were popping up. "Wait, why is everyone picturing me as an evil character? I never betrayed the Clans! I was a spy for the Clans, not a member of the Dark Forest… READ THE BOOKS PEOPLE!

"Ivypool x Tigerheart? There's no way I like him!

"Ivypool x Bumblestripe? What the heck?

"Ivypool x Foxleap? Sure, he's good at tennis, but I don't really…

"Ivypool x Toadstep? Now _that_ rests on borderline weird…

"Ivypool x Breezepelt. Haha, you've got to be joking, right?"

"Ivypool x … HAWKFROST?" Ivypool gulped nervously. "Um, have you guys forgotten that he tried to KILL me? And Hollyleaf?" She scrolled down the page. "Look at all these Ivy x Hawk fics! This is ridiculous!" Ivypool looked ready to smash someone. "Stop it with these stupid pairings!"

"Not so tough now, are you?" Dovewing taunted. Ivypool glared at her sister.

"Why, you," her meow was frozen as Dovewing's computer started to make weird noises. "What?"

A notice came up.

"WARNING! WARNING! BY OPENING THIS EMAIL, YOU HAVE ACTIVATED THE MARY-SUE VIRUS!"

"What?" gasped Dovewing, startled. "What's _that_?"

"It's a virus, you fool!" Ivypool shouted at her sister. "StarClan help us!"

The computer promptly exploded.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!"


	6. Leafpool

**I got this one done as well and figured I'd upload it today. Also, I bumped the rating up to 'T', simply because I felt some chapters were not low enough to be K plus material. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused...**

* * *

CHAPTER 6: LEAFPOOL

Leafpool and Squirrelflight were standing out of Spottedleaf's Hair Salon, chatting excitedly.

"I haven't had this much fun in moons!" Leafpool declared.

"I'm normally not a big fan of hairdos, but yeah, that was fun," Squirrelflight agreed.

"Oh yeah," Leafpool laughed. "Remember the time when you and I got twin haircuts when we were kits, and then you completely messed it up by playing with scissors? I remember Sandstorm was soooo mad"…

"All right," sighed Squirrelflight, not really wanting to remember that. Leafpool had always been the perfect twin when they were kits: straight-As, responsible, and always organized. Squirrelflight, on the other paw, had always been a world of trouble…

"What do you want to do now?" Leafpool asked her sister. "Jayfeather emailed me about some ice-cream store opening up in town. Cloudtail's Ice-Creamería, I think? Why don't we try that out?"

Squirrelflight thought back to an encounter with a certain website, with a devious smirk on her face.

"Or," she said mischievously, "we can go out for pizza"…

* * *

Several minutes later, Leafpool and Squirrelflight were sitting at an Italian restaurant, having ordered drinks. Leafpool ordered Diet Pepsi and Squirrelflight had a Coke.

"What was the website you told me about?" Leafpool asked, turning on her iPhone. "'FanFiction'? Sounds perfectly harmless to me."

 _Sure_ , thought Squirrelflight, chuckling mischievously as Leafpool opened Chrome and typed 'fanfiction .net' into the search box.

"Hmm… What is _this_ monstrosity?" She opened a story up. "Cliché plotline, bad grammar, and weird characters… I could write a story better than that!

"And what's up with the cursing?" she exclaimed, shocked. "I mean, I get it if they do it once in a while, but this person is literally swearing every sentence! It almost makes me think they don't know proper English"…

Squirrelflight sat back, enjoying her sister's reaction.

"Good evening, ladies," a waiter interrupted them. "I am Antpelt, your server today. What will you be ordering?"

"I'll take the Five-Cheese Mouse Pizza," Squirrelflight answered.

"And you?" Antpelt turned to Leafpool.

"I'll take the recommended dish of the week," Leafpool answered distractedly. Little did she know that the "recommended dish" was a pasta dish with an extremely spicy sauce. And if there was one thing Leafpool hated, it was spicy food.

"Maybe something from the Romance section will get that out of my mind," Leafpool muttered to herself, after reading a particularly nasty comment someone had to say about Leafpool. "After all, I love romance"…

"You won't after today," Squirrelflight giggled to herself.

"Hmm… Leafpool x Crowfeather? I only went out on ONE date with him!"

"Yeah, and that's how you got pregnant at 18," Squirrelflight muttered to herself.

"Leafpool x Spiderleg? Seems unlikely…

"Leafpool x Thornclaw? What's up with that?

"Leafpool x Mothwin… She's my _friend_! And I'm not lesbian!

"Leafpool x Bramblestar… WHAT?!

"Leafpool x Hawkfrost?" Leafpool's eyes went wide. "That is _not_ happening, ever!

"Leafpool x Ashfur… No, no, and NO!" Leafpool slammed her phone on the table. Squirrelflight was laughing so hard, she nearly fell out of the booth.

"And here is your five-cheese mouse pizza," Antpelt interrupted them, placing it in front of Squirrelflight. It was a large cheese pie with mouse-tails as a topping. "And this is the special dish." He put it in front of Leafpool and she stared at it, confused. "I didn't order a pasta dish!"

"Apparently you did," Squirrelflight smirked, picking up a slice of pizza. "Great StarClan, this is delicious."

Leafpool twirled her fork in the spaghetti, still thinking about the fics she had just read when she lifted it to her mouth. Her eyes watered, and she spat out her mouthful of pasta. "AARGH!"

"What's the matter?" Antpelt rushed to her side.

"My mouth! IT'S ON FIRE!" Leafpool shrieked. "And this is all your fault!" She glared at her sister Squirrelflight, who was rolling on the floor laughing. Leafpool's eyes began to glow with rage, and her sister stopped laughing.

"Uh oh," muttered Squirrelflight, preparing to run away. She grabbed her handbag.

"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?" Leafpool roared. "What kind of a sister _are_ you, making me read that horrible stuff?" She tackled her sister to the ground.

"Ladies, please, settle down!" Antpelt pleaded (he was new to the job). Leafpool and Squirrelflight kept fighting, not even stopping when the whole restaurant put down their drinks to stare at them, when someone dialed 911, and when police officers arrived on the scene.

That is the story of how Leafpool and her sister ended up in jail.

* * *

 **Advertisement: Order ice-cream at Cloudtail's Ice-Creamería now! The flavors are: catmint, poppy, lavender, marigold, mouse, rabbit, cobweb (yuck cobweb), and a bunch of other herbs/fresh-kill that cats like! Any suggestions are welcome (specify in your review)! The only catch is: you can only order one per chapter, and not more than three scoops. Order today!**


	7. Sandstorm and Spottedleaf

**Hey, got a ton of ice-cream orders to fill!**

 **Half Moon:** **Thanks! :D Another chapter coming up!**

 **Snowcrystal of ThunderClan:** **I don't hate Dovewing, but since a lot of people seem to, I just thought I'd make fun of her. One scoop catmint and a scoop lavender coming up! Could I call you Snowcrystal for short?**

 **Tanglehawkthebird: ****Sure! Here's three scoops catmint.**

 **Shadowedskies of LightningClan:** **Thanks! Unfortunately, this won't be going for very long, as this is a side-project from another story I'm writing. Can I just call you Shadowedskies?**

 **Guest: ****Windows seriously has problems, yeah. Sure, you can have ice-cream. Here's two scoops of catmint and rabbit! And I'll use all your suggestions, except blood.**

 **Maddythelemon: ****Here's your mouse ice-cream!**

 **Order: ****Ooh, good idea! I'll also include a toppings list. Here's lavender ice-cream with poppy seeds!**

 **KittyNoaStar: ****A scoop of Smurf, a scoop of Oreo, and a scoop of Wildberry to go!**

 **ShadowWolf157: ****Waffle cone! And a scoop catmint, lavender, and mouse with sprinkles. Sounds like an interesting combination. :) And Sparkleawesome will appear soon. Not in this chapter, but soon.**

* * *

CHAPTER 7: SANDSTORM AND SPOTTEDLEAF

Sandstorm was playing a scale on her viola when she heard the doorbell ring. Sighing, she went to see who it was. She opened the door, only to find her aunt Spottedleaf in the entrance.

"Why are _you_ here?" asked Sandstorm, not very nicely (she and her aunt weren't exactly on speaking terms).

"Is that any way to treat your dear Aunt Spotty?" Spottedleaf sauntered inside. "Isn't a girl allowed to visit her niece every so often?"

'Dear' and 'aunt' were not really words Sandstorm would like to use in the same sentence. She sighed, knowing her aunt was just here to criticize her furniture and how "dull and drab" her lifestyle was.

"Sure, if you don't just barge in like that," Sandstorm pointed out.

Spottedleaf laughed. "Nice violin, by the way," she said, pointing to the instrument lying on a chair.

"It's a viola," Sandstorm corrected with a sigh.

"What's the difference?" asked Spottedleaf. "Isn't a viola just a big violin?"

Sandstorm growled. "That was _not_ nice," she warned. "And FYI, a viola is _not_ a big violin. It's much larger, it's got a deeper sound, and it's a fifth lower"…

"Sounds like a big violin to me," muttered Spottedleaf.

Sandstorm growled again, and proceeded to explain all the differences between a violin and a viola that no one really cares about. By the time the forty-five minute lecture was over, Spottedleaf was snoring on the sofa.

"And, that's the full story of the evolution of a violin and viola… HEY!" Sandstorm cried, waking Spottedleaf up from her slumber. "You didn't listen to a word I just said!" She whacked Spottedleaf on the shoulder.

"Ow!" cried Spottedleaf. She rubbed her sore shoulder and glared at Sandstorm. "What was that for?"

"That's for lying on my sofa with your shoes on, you dolt!" Sandstorm yelled back. "You left a nice mark on it. And it's white, so it's very hard to remove the stain!"

"At least I have good taste in furniture," said Spottedleaf, rather nastily. "Got any ClanTV shows on your Netflix?" She turned the TV on.

"No!" Sandstorm gagged. "Who watches those soap operas anyways?"

"Hey, I live for _Win a Date with Nightcloud_!" Spottedleaf flashed back. "Where's Firestar, by the way?"

"He's out bowling with Graystripe and Ravenpaw," Sandstorm answered. "If we've really got nothing else to do, how about you just leave and let me practice my viola?" She put emphasis on the word 'viola'.

"No thanks," Spottedleaf answered. "I've got better things to do than let you waste your time playing that cheap violin."

"It's a _viola_ ," said Sandstorm, exasperated.

She got out her iPhone5, searching the web. She hoped to find something to do, so she could drown Spottedleaf's annoying voice out. Unfortunately, that didn't work very well.

"That is _so_ outdated," Spottedleaf commented. "I feel sorry for you, Sandstorm. You'll never understand the joys of living with an iPhone6s."

"Yeah, thanks," muttered Sandstorm. She opened Google, not really knowing what to do. She began browsing the Internet, hoping to find a game she could play.

But of course, what she actually found was much more interesting.

"Interesting website," Sandstorm muttered.

"What website?" asked Spottedleaf **(oh, whatever could it be? *sarcasm*)**. "FanFiction?"

"I've heard about this," Sandstorm muttered. "Isn't this the website which Firestar broke his computer over?" She sighed. They still hadn't bought a new computer, and of course, they would have to buy the new computer out of _her_ money, seeing as Firestar wastes all his money on bowling.

"What's this?" She clicked on a story at random and stared at the first chapter. The authors' note at the end said:

 ** _10 REVIEWS OR I WON'T UPDATE! REVIEW, PEOPLE!_**

"How will _that_ convince me to review your story?" Sandstorm shook her head in disbelief.

"I have to say, this story _is_ pretty miserable," remarked Spottedleaf. "It's even worse than your violin playing, and that's saying a lot."

Sandstorm growled at the insult. "If you say 'violin' instead of 'viola' one more time, I'm going to"…

"Do what?" Spottedleaf smirked, and Sandstorm had an overwhelming desire to throttle her. She pressed the 'Back' button, which temporarily took Sandstorm's mind off of violins/violas.

"And what are all these weird pairings of me and Firestar?" Sandstorm exclaimed. "Look at _this_!

"Sandstorm x Scrouge? Seriously?

"Sandstorm x Tigerstar? What the…

"Sandstorm x Dustpelt? We were friends but"…

She then started on the Firestar pairings.

"Firestar x Cinderpelt? I don't think…

"Firestar x… _Spottedleaf_?" She glared at her aunt. "Have you been seeing Firestar?"

"No, I haven't!" Spottedleaf lied. "I'm, uh, just as surprised as you are."

Just then, Spottedleaf's phone rang. She eagerly picked it up after seeing Firestar's phone number. But unfortunately, Spottedleaf wasn't smart enough to turn the phone off of speaker, so Sandstorm heard the entire conversation.

"Hello, Firestar," Spottedleaf said.

"Hi," said Firestar. "Listen, I'll pick you up at 8 pm today, okay?"

"Will do," Spottedleaf sang, hanging up. It was only then she caught a glimpse of Sandstorm's face.

"You've been going out with Firestar?" Sandstorm exploded, glaring at her aunt with pure hate.

"Oh yeah," said Spottedleaf indifferently. "We meet for coffee every now and then. Hey, we're doing you a favor. I gave Firestar money last Christmas, which seems to have gone towards paying for your violin"…

"FOR THE LAST TIME, IT'S A FREAKING _VIOLA_!" Sandstorm roared, chasing her aunt around the house and whacking her on the head with her viola bow.

* * *

 **Ugh… I hate Spottedleaf. She's so annoying.**

 **It's a standing joke among us string musicians that people often confuse violas with violins. They're completely different instruments, even though they look and sound similar.**

 **Anyways, I got tons of suggestions for the ice-cream database:**

 **Ice-Cream Flavors:** **shrew, thrush, honey, heather, fox, vole, kittypet food, fox-dung (yes this is a flavor), mouse-bile, rabbit, moss, lavender, cobweb.**

 **Toppings: ****poppy seeds, mint, honey, mouse-tails, rabbit-whiskers.**

 **Suggestions are always welcome!**


	8. ShadowClan

**From now on, we're not going to really focus on individual cats, but rather on whole groups, such as: SkyClan, ShadowClan, StarClan, etc.**

 **Also, I will feature a new topic every time! For example, I might do a topic of unrealistic names one day, a topic of cliché plotlines another day, and so on. Today's topic is Mary-sues and troll-fics.**

 **And speaking of troll-fics…**

 **I know I said I wouldn't mention the names of any stories on this site (except Starkit's Prophecy). But I just got permission from ShadowWolf157 to feature her troll-fic,** ** _Sparklekit's Epicness_** **, in this story. It's the funniest troll-fic you will ever read on this site. I'm not even kidding. Quotes from** ** _Sparklekit's Epicness_** **will appear underlined and italicized. But go and read that first, or this chapter won't make much sense. Seriously. Go and read it.**

 **Anyways for review replies!**

 **Half Moon:** **That's actually true, the humor fics generally do get more reviews than others. We should seriously start a Spottedleaf haterz club. And I don't even have iPhone, I have LG, so I know what it's like to be behind in technology. XD**

 **Snowcrystal: ****Here is some lavender ice-cream with mint topping! Here you go!**

 **Tanglehawkthebird: ****Really? I don't play viola, I play violin, but I find it highly entertaining when someone mistakes a violist for a violinist, and all the violists shout at that one person.**

 **Beeflight: ****I will put them as flavors! Here is some heather ice-cream with honey!**

 **Seeker3: ****Those pairings are pretty funny, aren't they? And here is your thrush ice-cream with poppy seeds!**

 **Hibiscus Rose Moon:** **I've never heard of someone mistaking a violin for a viola. That's actually really funny. Sure, here's honey ice-cream with honey topping!**

 **Maplestar of DawnClan:** **Can I call you Maplestar? Sure, you can have your catmint scoop, rabbit scoop, and poppy scoop! I'll put your topping suggestions in.**

 **Briardust: ****Sure! Two scoops of rabbit ice-cream coming up!**

* * *

CHAPTER 8: SHADOWCLAN

 _An awesome black tom with ice blue eyes knocked on her front door. When she didn't answer, he grew impatient. "GET HERE BEFORE I RENAME YOU STARSTAR!"_

 _A super-purple she-cat with molting orange eyes ran down the stairs. After answering the door, she GASPED!_

 _"OMSC ITS SCOURG!1111!" she squelled. She herad so muchj about him he was realy evil killed alot of cats._

 _"Calm yourself," Scourge said coolly. "I heard about your plan to wreak havoc on the Clans."_

 _"GO AAWY YOUR'E NUT KAWAII!" Stargleam sceamed._

 _"No really," Scourge said. "It's an awesome plan. I'd be willing to help you with your plans. I know you're trying to take over the Clans. They'll be so focused on reading FanFictions, they won't even notice when BloodClan comes in to take over the lake! That's your plan, isn't it?"_

 _"Your not a prt of mah paln," said Stargleam stubbornly._

 _"Come on," Scourge pleaded. "We're talking about guys who don't even know what color my collar is. They've been fighting about that for the last decade, and even_ that's _getting old. It's time for some action. Besides, if you join me, your plan will be much awesomer."_

 _"Wil u let mi rulle da calns?"_ _Stargleam aseked._

 _"Yah," said Scourge._

 _"OMSC THAT'S SO KAWAII!1!1!1!" squeeled Starglean excercisedly_ **(excercisedly? LOL!)** _. "I'm inn!"_

 _"Good," said Scourge with a curved smile. As he walked away he thought, 'that poor, naïve thing has_ no _idea."_

* * *

"Good evening, she-cats and toms. We interrupt this program for a very important announcement."

Rowanstar groaned as _Win a Date with Ivypool_ was interrupted by an announcement.

"We have received reports of a Twoleg site called FanFiction. This site was first discovered approximately three days ago, and since then has gone viral."

"Have you seen the news?" his deputy, Crowfrost, dashed into the room. "There's this site called"…

"I know," said Rowanstar grumpily. "What's so important about it, anyways?"

"This site was first discovered by Firestar, former leader of ThunderClan. Quickly, word spread around. We do not know why some people came across this particular site as opposed to others. But what we do know is that it has caused many unfortunate, ah, … _incidents_. Reports of a broken laptop, computer viruses, and even public fist-fights are all a result of this site."

"Interesting," meowed Crowfrost.

"I know," muttered Rowanstar, staring at the screen in shock.

"Word has got around, and cats are blaming StarClan for not being able to fix the Internet back. There is even some speculation that StarClan is the one responsible for this."

"WHAT!" said Crowfrost loudly.

"How dare they?" cried Rowanstar.

"Of course, this is a rumor and not necessarily true."

"Well, that's a relief," muttered Crowfrost.

"We currently do not know how the Internet came to be malfunctioned, but we will continue to work on it and let the public know once we have figured out a solution."

The report ended and _Win a Date with Ivypool_ came back on, but Rowanstar couldn't care less about who Ivypool ended up going out on a date with. His mind was filled with worry. "What are we going to do?"

"We're going to call a Clan meeting for tomorrow," said Crowfrost.

"Good idea," agreed Rowanstar. He went over to his desk. Being the leader of ShadowClan, he had access to all the radio systems. Every house had a radio, so they would be able to hear the announcement he was about to give. He turned on the microphone and shouted:

"ATTENTION ALL CATS OF SHADOWCLAN. THERE IS A MEETING AT 11:00 A.M. TOMORROW MORNING. ATTENDANCE FOR WARRIORS IS MANDATORY. GOT THAT? GET YOUR BUTTS OVER HERE TOMORROW MORNING! AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT READING FANFICTION!"

With that said, he let the microphone down on the stand.

* * *

The meeting hall was filled with bewildered people the next morning. Rowanstar stood at the head of the hall, calling for everyone's attention.

"All cats old enough to – OH JUST COME HERE."

"We _are_ here," Smokefoot pointed out.

"Yeah what's the big deal, anyways?" added Ratscar.

"I have discovered a site!" said Rowanstar. "It is called fanfiction .net."

The cats began to whisper among themselves.

"Seriously, where has he been?"

"Has he been living under a thicket of brambles?"

"Everyone's been talking about the site! How can he _not_ know?"

"I heard that," said Rowanstar, glaring at the crowd. "Well, I want you to tell me what's on the site. Take out your phones and read me aloud quotes from the stories."

"But you just forbade us to read fanfiction," protested Tawnypelt.

"I did, didn't I?" Rowanstar answered. "Well… now I UN-FORBID you to read it! So go ahead! Get out your phones and read!"

The cats, all assuming Rowanstar had gone crazy, took out their phones and searched fanfiction.

"These are all miserable," said Flametail, who happened to have been magically resurrected from StarClan just for the purpose of this meeting.

"I know, aren't they?" gasped Applefur. "Look at them! Some of these have such miserable plotlines and such miserable characters" –

"OMSC LOOK AT THIS ONE!1!1!" screeched Tawnypelt. The cats all stopped what they were doing.

"What is it called?" asked Crowfrost.

"Sparklekit's Epicness!" cried Tawnypelt.

"Trollfic warning? What's a trollfic?" asked Flametail. No one bothered to answer him.

Tawnypelt then proceeded to read a few sentences from the prolouge.

 _"Ow!" the ugly black she-cat meowed. Two kits came out. One was an ugly black kit._

 _ "Oh mouse-dung I made one that looks like me!" she cursed. The medicine cat suddenly got wide-eyed._

 _ "Look at the other one!" she squealed. "She looks AMAZING!" The other kit was an awesome-looking sky-blue kit!_

"Wow, totally disregarding the fact that _there's no such thing as a sky-blue colored cat_. Does the author even know cat genetics?" said Ratscar sarcastically.

 _ "I know! Let's name her SPARKLEKIT!" the ugly she-cat meowed._

"The rise of a horror has begun," said Crowfrost grimly.

Tawnypelt then moved on to Chapter 1.

 _ It had been a week since Sparklekit opened her eyes._

"She can talk and speak normally within a _week_?!1!1!?" gasped Dawnshine. "Impossible!"

 _ There was her ugly brother, Nightkit, who smelled like fox-dung and slept all day._

 _ Then there was Birdkit, who was one of Sparklekit's best friends._

 _ Then, Bouncekit. He loved her too, and bounced off the walls._

 _ But Sunkit… Sunkit wasn't as nice. He glared at Sparklekit sometimes, but probably because he was lame. At least, in Sparklekit's mind._

"Good for you, Sunkit," Toadfoot meowed. "You're the only one who has enough sense to stay away from this Mary-sue."

"What's a Mery-sue?" asked everyone.

"Mary-sue," corrected Toadfoot with a groan. "I came across the term while reading fanfiction."

"OMSC I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ FANFICTION!" screamed Rowanstar. "YOU IS BREAKING THE RULES!11!1!1"

Toadfoot rolled his eyes. "This was _before_ the radio announcement, okay?"

"You still haven't answered the question," said Dawnshine crossly. "What's a Mary-sue?"

"It's apparently a character that's worshipped by everyone in the story to the point where it gets annoying," Toadfoot explained. "Instead of being balanced out and having an equal amount of flaws and merits that contribute to the story, the character is perfect to the point where everyone wants to scream."

"Yep," meowed Rowanstar. "That would explain a lot. This Sparklewhoever is definitely a Mary-sue."

 _ "Good morning everyone!" Sparklekit squealed._

 _ "Morning!" Birdkit yawned. "What do you want to do today?"_

 _ "How about greet Sunkit for once?" Sunkit said with a growl._

 _ Birdkit rolled her eyes. "Whatever, let's let Sparklekit decide because she's awesome."_

 _ Sparklekit grinned. "How about… mossball?"_

 _ "SURE! I agree with everything you say, so let's go!" Birdkit mewled._

"Okay, she's _definitely_ a Mary-sue," meowed Crowfrost. "They all agree with whatever she says?"

"Sad," commented Tawnypelt. She randomly decided to skip a few chapters, to Sparklekit's apprentice ceremony…

 _ "All cats old enough to catch their own prey, gather beneath the Highledge!" Maplestar called out._

"At least the author got the ceremony right," Toadfoot said.

 _ "I would like Sparklekit to come up first, because she's awesome," Maplestar announced._

"Okay I take that back," Toadfoot meowed.

 _ "I ask our warrior ancestors to look down on this kit, this epic kit, and make her an apprentice. I am sure she will not fail at anything." Maplestar smiled. "So yada yada yada… you are now Sparklepaw! I will mentor you, because of your prettiness and awesomeness."_

 _ "OMSC YAY!" Sparklepaw squealed._

 _ "Doesn't she have to sit vigil?" A random voice yelled. "No! She's too awesome for that!" Maplestar spat._

"Who wrote this… apprentices don't sit vigil! Only warriors! Seriously get your facts straight," Smokefoot yowled.

"It only gets worse from here"… said Tawnypelt grimly. She randomly skipped to Chapter 12.

 _ It was the day after Pine-tree day –_

"What is _that_?" cried Tawnypelt.

"I dunno, maybe if you hadn't skipped like eight chapters we'd actually know what Pine-tree day is!" Flametail said, glaring at his mother.

"Seriously, Flametail? We don't want to read any more of this than we actually have to," Dawnshine mewled. Flametail face-palmed.

 _ It was the day after Pine-tree day, and she was becoming a warrior._

 _ "OMSC!" Sparklepaw squealed. "I'M BECOMIN' A WARRIOR!"_

"I've had enough," Dawnshine said. "I'm leaving." She turned to leave, but Rowanstar randomly stopped her.

"You will not leave until the meeting is over!" he yowled. "Didn't I tell you that this meeting was mandatory?"

"Oh, phooey," muttered Dawnshine, sitting in a corner and covering her ears.

 _ "All cats old enough to – Oh, to the Dark Forest with normal ceremonies. It's Sparklepaw's time today!"_

 _ Everyone gathered._

 _ "ThunderClan, today we will name new warriors – but first let's do Sparklepaw because she's EPIC!" Maplestar cried. Everyone cheered._

 _ "Sparklepaw… today you will become a warrior." Maplestar paused. "I am too flattered by your amazingness, so the Clan will decide your name!"_

 _ Cats raised their paws one by one._

 _ "Um, what do you think Nightpaw?" Sparklepaw winced in disgust seeing how ugly her brother was._

 _ "SPARKLEUMBRELLA!" he yowled._

"Cats aren't supposed to know what umbrellas are!" cried Toadfoot. "Way too confusing. I'll never understand Twolegs."

"And since when have the Clanmates decided on someone's name?" asked Littlecloud.

 _ "Erm, Blacktwist?" Sparklepaw asked._

 _ "Sparklepower!" the black she-cat meowed._

 _ Sparklepaw pondered for a moment. "Eh, it's a nice name but for some reason my author has decided that I'll say no."_

"That's just weird," Ratscar said. "How does the author… oh never mind."

"It might be better not to ask too many questions"… Crowfrost warned.

 _ "OH OH OH!" squealed Bouncepaw. "SPARKLEAWESOME!"_

 _ Sparklepaw's eyes lit up. "YES!"_

 _ "Sparkleawesome it is," said Maplestar. Now I'll just randomly name the others"…_

 _ She began to name them._

 _ "Uh, Nightugly, Bounceface, and Birdwing. Done!" Maplestar ended the ceremony. "Oh yeah, and Sparkleawesome doesn't have to sit vigil again."_

 _ And with that, they all left._

* * *

"MY EARS! THEY BURN!1!1!1!" screeched both Dawnshine and Tigerheart.

Crowfrost was shaking violently as he muttered, "Now I know why we went atheist a couple years ago"…

"As leader of ShadowClan, I demand the start of enforced writing classes in the school curriculum!" yowled Rowanstar. "Teach your students that well-rounded characters have an equal amount of faults as well as merits! And you know what the first thing you can do? Show the students this story as an example of how _not_ to write!"

"Okay, I think we all need to just chill and head over to Cloudtail's Ice-Creamería," said Tawnypelt heavily.

"Agreed," Tigerheart said. Needless to say, Cloudtail was pretty surprised to see all of ShadowClan clustering over his doorstep.

All in all, a pretty good morning.

* * *

 **Yeah, the cats are taking this fanfiction deal way too seriously. But it's still fun to write about.**

 **Yeah and I changed some of the quotes from _Sparklekit's Epicness_ slightly so that they would be shorter in length and more to the point.**

 **I'm going to put up an Ice-Cream Database so that you can order straight from there. Every time someone suggests a topping, I'll add that in.**

 **Got that? See you next Sunday!**


	9. Ice-Cream Database

ICE-CREAM DATABASE

 **Hello and welcome to Cloudtail's Ice-Creamería! Here is a walkthrough on how you order ice-cream.**

 **Simply write what type of ice-cream you want, and what topping! I'll list all the toppings in the database right here:**

 **Flavors: ****shrew, thrush, honey, heather, fox, vole, kittypet-food, fox-dung, mouse-bile, rabbit, moss, lavender, cobweb, mouse, catmint, mouse-blood, poppy, frog, lizard, Smurf, Oreo, Wildberry (not warrior cat flavors).**

 **Toppings: ****poppy seeds, shredded mint, honey, mouse-tails, rabbit-whiskers, and shredded catmint.**

 **Suggestions are always welcome! When you suggest something, I'll put it here. You can always refer here for ice-cream flavors, rather than having to check the latest chapter.**

 **Thank you for ordering!**


	10. The Clan Leaders

**Hey, I've finally updated.**

 **Today's topic: lemons and other stuff. (There's nothing graphic in here, so don't worry)**

 **Half Moon:** **Ooh, interesting combinations! One lizard with mouse-whiskers! That was pretty adventurous of you!**

 **Beeflight: ****Catmint and poppy-seeds coming up! And what else? I think you didn't finish your review and it got submitted.**

 **Tanglehawkthebird: ****Sure! Oreo with shredded catmint coming up!**

 **Snowcrystal: ****Yes! Here is some catmint-flavored ice-cream with tons of shredded mint/catmint!**

 **cea305: ****Oreo! Here it is! (That's not actually a warrior cat flavor, but whatever)**

 **Snowfall16: ****That is actually quite interesting. I did not know that. Lavender as a flavor? Who knew?**

 **Starrysong of NatureClan:** **Yeah, Wildberry LOL. I'll just call you Starrysong from now on, is that okay?**

 **Goldskies5: ****You chose a pretty adventurous combo! Mouse-bile! Let us know how it tastes.**

* * *

CHAPTER 9: THE CLAN LEADERS

Bramblestar sat down in a wooden chair. He, along with the other Clan leaders, had been summoned by Rowanstar to the meeting hall at the Gathering Island. He looked around the table, and saw Mistystar and Onestar already there. There was no sign of Rowanstar.

A million years later, Rowanstar finally came into the meeting room, a box of cupcakes in his hand.

"What took you so long?" Mistystar demanded.

"You bought us _cupcakes_?" Onestar gasped.

"They're not for you," Rowanstar answered tersely. "It's my wedding anniversary, and Tawnypelt will kill me if I forget it like last year."

"Aw," said Bramblestar, slightly disappointed. "So that's why you're so late?"

"No," answered Rowanstar. "I also stopped at Cloudtail's Ice-Creamería. Word of advice: don't _ever_ try the fox-dung ice-cream. It's the real deal." He shuddered.

"OMSC you actually _ate_ that?" gasped Onestar. "Were you really stupid enough to try it?"

"Guys," Mistystar interrupted, before Rowanstar could smash a cupcake in Onestar's face, "I believe we're here for something important?"

"Yeah, what's this meeting about anyways?" asked Bramblestar, slightly impatient.

Rowanstar cleared his throat. "I believe I am here to discuss with you about an abomination I saw on the Internet. 'Tis a grievous misfortune my Clan and I had to set eyes on" –

"What are you talking about?" Mistystar asked, confused.

"I knew this World Wide Web was a mistake the moment I set eyes on it," Rowanstar continued dramatically, ignoring the irritated looks Onestar and Mistystar were shooting at him. "My Clan has suffered drastically, and" –

"JUST GET TO THE POINT!" the other three leaders shouted in unison.

Rowanstar glared at them, frustrated. "Fine, then! I'll tell you what it is!" With a dramatic flourish, he waved his arms and yelled, "It is called… FANFICTION DOT NET!"

Rowanstar beamed around, expecting to be met with stunned silence or gasps. He thought the leaders would be shocked out of their minds, and congratulate him on bringing this to their attention.

Instead, all he was met with was laughter.

"You're worried about _that_?" laughed Mistystar, rolling around in her chair.

"Those hopeless writers couldn't harm a flea!" declared Onestar.

"A 'grievous misfortune', indeed," quoted Bramblestar, snorting with amusement.

"No, listen to me!" Rowanstar shouted. "You haven't seen _half_ of what is on that site!"

"Like what?" asked Mistystar, still laughing.

"The miserable plots!" cried Rowanstar. "Have you not read them?"

"They look like something you would have written," Onestar said. "You have about the writing skills of a second-grader."

Rowanstar glared. "And you know what else? The grammar, characterization, and everything else is all off! And do you know what the biggest problem is? The MERY-FREAKING-SUES!"

"The _what_?" Bramblestar asked.

"Mery-sues!" Rowanstar yelled. "I'm talking about Mery-sues! They're a _disgrace_!"

"No one knows what you're talking about," Mistystar said bluntly.

"Listen to me!" Rowanstar screeched, growing madder and madder with every sentence. "The super-annoying girly heroes! The whiny self-insert sues! The spelling! The hideous pairings! The – the _lemons_!"

At this point, the leaders were laughing so hard, they had no idea what Rowanstar was rambling about. Aggravated, Rowanstar took out his LG phone **(a/n: go LG!)** , and typed in "lemons" in the FanFiction search box. He clicked on one and showed it to the other leaders.

That was when they stopped laughing.

"What – the" – Mistystar choked out, unable to say anything after that.

"I don't believe it," Onestar said, staring at the screen in shock. "I _just don't believe it_."

"You're telling _me_?" Bramblestar gasped, outraged. "My kits, Sparkkit and Alderkit, are only in second grade, and there's _no way_ I want them to see any of this!"

"Believe me now?" asked Rowanstar smugly. Onestar gave him an irritated look.

"And this idiot was stupid enough to rate their story as 'T'," Mistystar added. "Learn to rate stories properly, idiots! Do you really want some kid coming across these?"

"And look," gasped Bramblestar. "They've written a _description_ of us with our mates and" – he couldn't go on.

"Why would you ever write a thing like this and post it on the Internet?" asked Mistystar, gasping.

"And why is a story like this named after a citrus fruit?" pointed out Onestar, looking at another lemon fic.

"Beats me"… Mistystar muttered.

"Not only that, they've done the worst pairings!" gasped Rowanstar. "I get Dustpelt and Ferncloud, but Bluestar and Tigerstar? Really? And why do they pair the siblings together and _write about it_? That's _disgusting_!"

"To be fair, at least this author was smart enough to rate their story 'M'"… Mistystar pointed out. "And they _did_ warn us beforehand to read at our own risk."

"We need to do something about this," said Bramblestar at once. "Warn all parents to keep their kits away from this site. I wouldn't be surprised if they stumbled across one of these, and then what would happen? They'd be traumatized."

"Agreed," said Mistystar. "I'll tell the cats of RiverClan right away."

"And we'll go and post our own ratings on this site," added Onestar. "Not these nonsensical ones, but _actual_ ratings."

"I've got to go," said Rowanstar, getting up from his chair. "These lemons have all given me a headache."

After he left, Onestar nudged Bramblestar on the shoulder. "Look," he whispered, a greedy look on his face. "Rowanstar left the cupcakes on the table!"

Bramblestar looked. Sure enough, Rowanstar had conveniently forgotten to take his cupcakes with him.

"Shall we?" Onestar asked, grinning. Bramblestar frowned.

"I'm not sure we should"… he said uneasily. "Besides, they're _lemon_ -flavored cupcakes. Can you really eat lemon after" –

"You're no fun," Onestar pouted, taking a cupcake from the box. He passed one to Bramblestar and grabbed his own.

"What are you guys doing?" Mistystar called after them.

Bramblestar stared down at the cupcake. _It can't hurt just to have one, can it?_ He shoved it quickly into his mouth and gagged; it was the _worst_ cupcake he had ever eaten. And especially after reading about all those lemons…

"Hey!" Rowanstar came running into the room. "Wait up! I forgot my"… he drew to a halt and stared at Onestar and Bramblestar, and the open box of cupcakes.

"Best cupcake ever," Onestar grinned, swallowing it with one gulp. "Thanks so much, Rowanstar."

"Why… you"… Rowanstar was furious. "YOU ATE TAWNYPELT'S CUPCAKES! NOW SHE'S GOING TO BE SOOOO MAD!" Then he rounded on Bramblestar. "You're going to have to explain to your sister exactly why there's two less cupcakes in that box!"

"Yes, but who's going to explain to her why they taste so bad?" Bramblestar pointed out.

This enraged Rowanstar, and he proceeded to whack Onestar and Bramblestar with a baseball bat, chasing them around the building. Not really knowing what was going on, Mistystar ate the remaining cupcakes, and then promptly died of diabetes (and also because she was way too old).

To make a long story short, Rowanstar came home to a pretty angry Tawnypelt that evening.

* * *

 **…**

 **I remember reading a lemon when I was twelve years old; it was quite uncomfortable. I had no idea what a lemon was, so I clicked on it, and I read some stuff I really don't want to remember. (Though that was kind of my fault, because I didn't read the rating). That's kind of why I'm so serious about story ratings.**

 **To be clear, I'm not against lemons. I guess it's other people's right to post them here, even if I myself don't like it. But I** ** _am_** **against the lemons that are rated incorrectly. I'll give the Warriors' fandom a break, they don't do it much. But I've seen lemons that are rated 'T' or even 'K plus'. Seriously, why can't people do the right rating? It doesn't really take that long to bump your rating from 'T' to an 'M'. And this goes for all stories with incorrect ratings, not just lemons. I know I'm not really one to talk, because I did rate this story 'K plus' at first. But… well, this is just sort of a reminder.**

 **Anything else? Oh yeah, I've noticed that you guys have been, for the most part, sticking with the safe flavors (like catmint, oreo, lavender). Choose some of the dangerous ones! Be a Rowanstar! You won't regret it. (Actually, you will, but as a marketer I just have to say that).**

 **Bye for now!**


	11. SkyClan

**Sorry I didn't update last weekend! I went on vacation last week, and I forgot to tell you guys. I wouldn't have updated this last week anyhow, because I didn't have a chapter out. And I would have updated yesterday, except of course I hadn't completed this chapter. Today we have off for Columbus Day, so that's why I'm updating.**

 **Warning: this chapter contains complete randomness, stupid prophecies, and minor/major (you decide) idiocy. You have been warned…**

 **Starrysong: ****Found that funny? Hope you like this one too.**

 **Beeflight: ****Wow, that really sucks for her. That doesn't sound like fun… And here's your lizard with rabbit-whiskers.**

 **Half Moon:** **Sure! A rabbit-flavored with honey. Lizard was a pretty interesting flavor.**

 **Snowcrystal: ****That really must have sucked. I never read 'M', either, although some stories from the 'T' section really** ** _should_** **be rated 'M', but aren't. 'K plus' is really the safest.**

 **Seeker3: ****Tiger x Sand? That is literally the worst combination ever! Let's drop an exploding Oreo cookie on them! (You'll understand by the end of this chapter).**

 **SirFlubasquishus: ****I don't even know if I spelled that right. Eyeballs ice-cream? That is so… cool. I'm putting that in right now.**

 **hayjay5304: ****Okay, okay! Here's your thyme. XD How about you deliver some to Jayfeather?**

 **Goldskies5: ****Seriously? Rated 'K'? That seriously takes the cake!**

 **emojiswagg124: ****That is actually true. Jayfeather, Lionblaze, Hollyleaf, and Squirrelflight seriously need to calm down.**

* * *

CHAPTER 10: SKYCLAN

 _Scourge and Stargleam where sitting together, tlking aout ways to carry out their evil palns._

 _"_ _I have an idea," announced Scourge. "We spraad an evli virus acrus the clans and destruy them!"_

 _"_ _A vir-ooos?" asked Stargleam._

 _"_ _It's a 'virus'," Scourge answered. He was tepted to roll hsi eyes but didnst. "It spreeds gerrms all aroudnd and it makes otherse yucky."_

 _"_ _1!1!1!" Starglearn gcried. She was really excerccized to blou up the cans._

 _"_ _Exactly," Scourge purred. "This is what we'll do. We'll gsend the viros to thesl clns and capture them. They will be froced to lseten to is."_

 _"_ _Aand I'll be the leader of the calns!1!1!1!" Stargleama cried._

 _"_ _Is our secret weepon reado?" Scourge asked Bone. Boone noddad._

 _"_ _Then it's tim for some ecxplosiooons!1!1!"_

* * *

Unlike the other Clans, SkyClan did not come into contact with fanfiction for a while. Since they were virtually isolated in the middle of a random gorge, they had no idea what was going on in the outside world.

The first one to come across the site was Echosong.

She was sitting in her chair, reading emails (because she's a medicine cat and has nothing better to do). Suddenly she got a random email from Spottedleaf.

 _Hello_ , the email read. _I just got a completely random prophecy which I had no idea what it means, and I'm going to share it with you!_

"A prophecy!" Echosong yowled in surprise.

 _'_ _Beware the shining star and the exploding cookie!'_ the prophecy said.

"Wow," Echosong muttered to herself, "What does that prophecy mean?" **(Even though it is COMPLETELY OBVIOUS and we absolutely have NO IDEA what it means! Okay, maybe not the exploding cookie part)**.

The last part of the email was a link to fanfiction .net. Echosong, of course not knowing what it was, clicked on it **(don't click on it, Echosong! But we all know she's going to.)**.

"What is this?" she gasped, not knowing what to say.

"An archive dedicated to stories about _us_? That's impossible! How do they keep up with all of this? And how do they know about us?"

She clicked on one of the stories, and exclaimed.

"Look at all of this! These people don't even have such a thing as spell-check! Learn the difference between there, their, and they're!

"Why do I get the feeling that some people have never read any of the actual books in their lives?"

She glanced down the list of stories, and had a shock.

"What are all these names? They make absolutely no sense!

"Speckledust? Ivyfawn? What kind of names are those?

" _Strawberrykit_?" Echosong looked even more furious. "These are worse names than anything Leafstar ever thought of, and that's saying a lot!"

"I heard that." At that moment, another cat walked into the room, glaring at Echosong.

"Oh, hi Leafstar," said Echosong sheepishly. "No offense, but your names _are_ kind of stupid."

"I heard something about a prophecy," Leafstar interrupted. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, I just got a prophecy," Echosong said. " _Beware the shining star and exploding cookie_."

"What you're doing now doesn't look much like deciphering a prophecy," Leafstar said bluntly, pointing to the computer screen.

"Oh, that's" – Echosong began, but she was interrupted by Leafstar's gasp.

"These are… fanfictions, you call them? They're so bad! And look at all these crazy ideas!"

She began to scroll through the fanfics, reading them.

"Look, there are so many fics of SkyClan returning to the forest to be with the Clans! Actually, that's not a bad idea. They should really let SkyClan be in its rightful place with the other Clans," Leafstar remarked.

Her eyes suddenly narrowed in rage, and she almost kicked Echosong's computer in rage.

" _What_? Who has written such abominable things about me!"

"Leafstar"… Echosong stammered nervously, "what's the matter?"

"Disgraceful," Leafstar muttered. "Look at this fanfic. They insult the SkyClan I worked so hard to build up, and they have insulted _me_ beyond measure!"

"How have they insulted you?"

"They said that I am unfit to rule SkyClan," Leafstar continued. "They say that I have turned the entire Clan into a Clan of kittypets, and that daylight-warriors are a stupid idea!"

"Well, they kind of are," Echosong muttered under her breath.

" _What did you just say_?"

Startled, Echosong looked up at her leader. She expected a reprimand of some sort, but it turned out Leafstar wasn't even talking to her. She was glaring at the computer screen, looking ready to explode.

"Look at what this person wrote! They wrote a horrible slogan! Is this supposed to be funny?"

"What is it?"

Leafstar read the page, shaking with rage. " _If you're a Leafstar, you overrun the Clan with kittypets. It's what you do. If you want to save 15% on Car Insurance, you switch to Geico. It's what you do_."

 **(I'm sorry! I just HAD to do that. I love Geico ads – go Geico!)**

Silence followed that. Echosong was staring at the slogan, secretly finding it very creative and funny. Unfortunately, Leafstar didn't seem to think the same way.

"Leafstar" –

"Don't interrupt me!" Leafstar snarled. "It must have been a cat of SkyClan who wrote this. Yes, it must have been. I am going to find the person who wrote this, and hunt them down!"

"Leafstar," cried Echosong, "you're not feeling well. Please, calm down" –

It was then that she noticed the look on her leader's face.

Leafstar's normally amber eyes had changed to a brilliant rainbow. They magically sparkled with every hint of Mary-sueishness that you could imagine.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!1!1!1!1111!111!" Echosong cried, backing away in fright.

* * *

 _Scourge and Stargleam were standing outside, laughing._

 _"_ _Haha! This is even better than the Iced Tea-Lemonade ad," Scourge giggled._

 _"_ _What's that?" Starglean asked._

 _Scourrge roled his eyes. "you don't know twhat that is? Oh, nevah miend. Anyways, our plans are workin real well. The FanFiciton virus has taken control of Leafstar. After reading all thosehorrible fics, her mind has gone crazyyy. She has a condition called FanFiction-itis."_

 _"_ _Sweet," Stargleam grinned. "But I still no know what Geeco is."_

 _Scourge just face-palmed._

* * *

Leafstar was standing on the Skyrock, calling for the Clan's attention. Echosong stood nervously on the side, ready to intervene if a fight broke out.

"Attention!" Leafstar shouted. "I demand to know who did _this_!"

"Did what?" Sharpclaw asked.

"You know what I'm talking about!" Leafstar shouted.

There were muttering of surprise.

"What's she talking about?"

"What did we do?"

"Don't act innocent!" Leafstar screamed. "One of you wrote a horrible slogan about me, and I demand to know who it was!"

"What are you talking about?" Ebonyclaw cried. "She's not making any sense!"

"She's talking about this," Echosong stepped forward. She held out her phone. On it was a screenshot of the slogan which Leafstar had found highly offensive.

"What?" the cats of SkyClan cried.

"Yes!" Leafstar screamed. "And you know what else? There's this entire Twoleg website dedicated to archiving stories about _us_! That's right, about us! So I demand to know which one of you went and told these Twolegs about us!"

Silence came, followed by the Clan cats casting each other bewildered looks. It was clear none of them had set eyes on this website until this very moment.

"Well?" demanded Leafstar. "Which one of you is it?"

At this point, Echosong had enough. She stepped forward.

"Leafstar, none of us could have done this," she meowed. "I" –

"GUYS!" Frecklewish suddenly screeched, bringing the meeting to a halt. "PROBLEM! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!"

"What the" – Echosong began.

At that moment, a huge exploding noise filled the air. A giant Oreo cookie the size of a boulder fell right in front of Echosong, and she darted away just before it exploded. The kits began to scream.

"HELP! WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY GIANT OREOS!" Ebonyclaw and Frecklewish screamed.

Leafstar didn't know what to do. Since she had a bad case of FanFiction-itis, she didn't know what to do and she just sat there, her rainbow eyes glinting with uselessness while the Clan was bombarded with giant cookies.

 _Beware the shining star and the exploding cookies!_ Echosong suddenly realized. She waved her hands up and down. "Hey guys, I sort of just remembered this random but super-important prophecy I got! You're supposed to BEWARE THE EXPLODING COOKIES!"

But it was too late; by now, the Clan was in utter chaos. Mayhem ruled as they kept running around, screaming, trampling each other, and desperately trying to avoid the cookies.

 _If Leafstar were sane, we'd be evacuating the camp by now_ , Echosong thought angrily. _But thanks to her, we're through!_

Suddenly, the cookies stopped falling from the sky. Everyone stopped, confused. A plane began to fly above SkyClan camp, with a huge banner on its side: COOKIECLAN IS VICTORIOUS!

A really short guy stuck his head out of the window, shouting: "I am Scourge! Rise, you are all the property of me and Stargleam. You will be my subjects!"

"We're not property of anyone, random tom!" Sharpclaw screamed.

Random Tom growled. "My name is Scourge! I am" –

"Wait, didn't Firestar tell us something about this dude?" Billystorm said. "Isn't he the guy from – what was it called? DeathClan? BoneClan? … BloodClan?"

Scourge rolled his eyes. "Seriously people? I don't go by the name BloodClan anymore. CookieClan is way cooler. We're awesome."

"Were awesoeer tene yu," Stargleam said from the side.

" _What_?" all the cats in SkyClan said in unison.

"She's your ruler now," Scourge said. "Now listen up! All of you must be faithful to Stargleam. She is the bestest, kindest cat in the universe! If you don't listen to her you will be punished.

"Oh, lovely," drawled Harveymoon **(what kind of a name is Harveymoon, anyways?)**. Bone jumped down from the plane and whacked him on the head with a cookie-cutter.

"Ooooh," groaned Harveymoon, dramatically falling to the ground.

"Take that as a warning from all of CookieClan," snarled Scourge. "Hear that, everyone? COOKIECLAN WILL RULE THE UNIVERSE!"

* * *

 **I love Oreo cookies. :) Leafstar has gone completely out-of-character and crazy, I never liked her anyways. She's transformed into a total Darkstar (and for those of you following TRotR, you know what that means.)**

 **Oh, and there are new ice-cream flavors, so go check that out!**


	12. The Dark Forest

**Hey, I know this chapter is really late. But first off, review replies:**

 **xxRainmistxx: ****I don't like Spottedleaf or Leafstar either… but I actually like Leafpool. Guess we'll have to disagree on that. Haha, thanks. I literally came up with that slogan on the spot XD.**

 **Beeflight: ****Thanks! Yeah, I don't like Leafstar. She was kind of annoying throughout all of** ** _SkyClan's Destiny_** **, just complaining about this and that.**

 **Firecat21870: ****Mind if I call you Firecat? Oh sure, you can have a scoop of ice-cream! What flavor?**

 **Goldskies5: ****Yeah, Leafstar literally has no idea what Clan names are. They make absolutely no sense. I'll explain what TRotR is in this a/n.**

 **Seeker3: ****Yeah, this chapter was quite awkward. Exploding Oreo cookies are cool. But yeah, not as interesting as teleporting an island.**

 **Twilight's hunter:** **I** **did not know that. So I guess my information about Jayfeather being able to see was incorrect. Looks like he can't.**

 **Dakie: ****Did I spell Bone's name wrong? I probably did.**

 **Shadowedskies: ****I am going to do all the StarClan cats in the StarClan chapter. I'm actually kind of glad you said you liked this story when it was less random. I agree. I'm going to talk about that now.**

 **catgirl2900: ****Here is some deathberry- and hemlock-flavored ice-cream! Does it have real deathberries or not? You will be my guinea pig! Muahahahahahahaha!**

 **Guest: ****Er, what do you mean by that? I thought I put an ice-cream database as a separate chapter.**

 **A few announcements. First, I'm going to start sending review replies by PM. You can choose to opt out or not. Review replies by PM are generally longer than the ones I write here. If you're a guest or don't want a PM, it'll still appear at the top of the page.**

 **And also, I know I haven't updated in a while. I haven't updated in what – a month? I actually do have a reason why: I've sort of lost some inspiration in this story. I had a lot of ideas to make it funny. But now, thanks to all the random stuff happening last chapter, it's sort of gone haywire and I didn't know where to pick it up.**

 **So for the last few weeks, I've been sitting around, waiting for inspiration to magically pop into my head. That did NOT happen, so I really had to force myself to write this chapter. So it might suck a little… just saying.**

 **But anyways, onto the next chapter! (finally)**

* * *

CHAPTER 10: PLACE OF NO STARS

"Attention!" shouted Tigerstar. "MAY ALL CATS ANGRY ENOUGH TO PLAN REVENGE JOIN AROUND THE MEETING HALL FOR A DARK FOREST MEETING!"

The Dark Forest cats clambered around at the meeting hall, slightly annoyed. They hated being roused from their random duties to come for random meetings. They randomly sat down near the random rock **(am I using the word 'random' too much?)** for the meeting.

Just as they were approaching the rock, two toms were having an argument.

"IPHONE IS THE BEST!" Hawkfrost bawled. "YOU CAN DO ACTUAL STUFF WITH IT!"

"SAMSUNG IS BETTER!" screamed Breezepelt.

"What are you complaining about?" whined Mapleshade.

"They're fighting over iPhone and Android," said Clawface, rolling his eyes.

"Are you seriously having that argument again?" groaned Snowtuft.

"Be quiet!" cried Tigerstar. "I don't care about your stupid phones. You know what's happened? I've discovered something called fanfiction .net!"

"fanfiction .net?" Thistleclaw rolled his eyes. "Is that one of those lame Twoleg sites?"

"It is," answered Tigerstar. "And you know how I found it? Look!" He turned on the TV and changed the channel. On the screen came SkyClan News Hour.

"You watch the SkyClan news?" asked Mapleshade. "Seriously, Tigerstar?"

"Well, I'm an awesome SkyClan descendant, which means I can do it," Tigerstar answered sharply. "So get lost."

Mapleshade merely grunted as Tigerstar turned the TV volume up.

"Hello and welcome to SkyClan News Hour. We have some very grave news to report."

"Great," muttered Snowtuft.

"We have discovered a site called 'fanfiction .net'," the reporter said. "The site has some, ah… problems. Reports of bad grammar, Mary-sues, and bad summaries became so horrible that people developed this strange condition called FanFiction-itis."

"Oh, that's just _wonderful_ ," said Breezepelt sarcastically.

"Yesterday, a group of random people who call themselves CookieClan came and blew up the gorge with exploding Oreos. We regret to say that SkyClan has fallen, and we are now part of this CookieClan. I am broadcasting this news in secret, along with a few of my other friends."

Brokenstar's eyes lit up and he started to laugh. Breezepelt found it very funny too, but Mapleshade was frowning as she looked around. "What is this thing called 'CookieClan'?"

"I don't know," answered Brokenstar.

"This CookieClan used to go by the name of BloodClan," the reporter continued. "And they have risen to power, coming to conquer all the Clans."

Tigerstar's eyes snapped up, looking very furious. "What is this?" he cried.

"BloodClan?" asked Hawkfrost. "Aren't those the guys who came to take over the old forest?"

"HE KILLED ME!" Tigerstar bawled. "SCOURGE WILL NOT GO WITHOUT PUNISHMENT!"

"Oh yeah, I remember that," Mapleshade laughed. "Scourge epically blew you up with a chocolate bomb. You _totally_ didn't see that one coming."

"Didn't I tell you to get lost?" Tigerstar growled at her.

"What _is_ this 'fanfiction .net, anyways?" asked Breezepelt.

"I will look it up," said Hawkfrost, graciously, "on my _Apple_ phone."

"NO!" Breezepelt screamed. "I will look it up on my SAMSUNG phone."

"Here we go again"… Brokenstar face-palmed.

"We've been through this way too many times," groaned Thistleclaw. "Android and iPhone are the _exact same_."

"Sure," sniggered Breezepelt, before Hawkfrost could open his mouth, "except Samsung's about five hundred bucks cheaper."

"All right, guys, _enough_ ," snapped Tigerstar. "Hawkfrost, connect your iPhone to the SmartBoard."

Hawkfrost did so and turned it on. He went onto fanfiction .net and looked around.

"What's up with this site?

"Why are there so many ads?"

Hawkfrost clicked on a random _Warriors'_ story. His eyes bugged out, then suddenly, he started to laugh.

"Ooh, look at this!" he said.

All the cats stared at the SmartBoard. They began to laugh as well.

"Tigerstar x Bluestar?" laughed Breezepelt. "That's the funniest thing I've ever seen!"

"Where does it say that?" demanded Tigerstar, jumping down from his big rock. "SHOW ME!"

Hawkfrost showed him the fic. Instead of laughing like the rest of them, Tigerstar was absolutely furious. "I almost killed her!" he screeched. "Why would I want to be her mate?"

"And look at these other stories!" added Mapleshade, taking the focus off of Tigerstar. "Bad plot, horrible grammar, _miserable_ summary – really, what are these people playing at?"

"And the plagiarizers," added Breezepelt. "Let's not forget the plagiarizers. They seem to be a bit of a problem too"…

"Oh, and look at _this_!" gasped Mapleshade. She clicked on a story, and the title read:

 ** _I NEED OCs!_**

"No, I will _not_ give you any OCs! You make up your _own_ characters!"

"Oh, but look at _this_ ," said Thistleclaw, his lip curling in disgust.

"What?" asked Hawkfrost, looking down at his phone.

"They're called _lemons_ ," said Thistleclaw. "I think I've heard of those. They're" –

"I think we all know what they are, Thistleclaw"… said Mapleshade.

"Why would you name a story like... _that_ after a citrus fruit?" asked Snowtuft.

"No idea"… answered Clawface.

"Hey, look at this," said Tigerstar suddenly, turning the SkyClan News Hour back on. The cats stopped reading fanfiction to look.

"They used these strange Oreo-bombs to blow us up," the reporter said. "These bombs were used to blow up our Clan. We estimate that when they arrive at the lake Clans, they will blow them up too."

"We have _got_ to think of a plan to defeat CookieClan," announced Tigerstar. "We are _not_ going to let them blow up the Clans before us! We have to conquer the Clans!"

"How are we going to do that?" asked Mapleshade.

Before Tigerstar could answer, they heard Breezepelt and Hawkfrost's screams.

"Why would _anyone_ in their right mind choose Android over an iPhone?" yowled Hawkfrost. "The Note 7 blows up!"

A gleam suddenly appeared in Tigerstar's eyes. "You've just given me an idea."

The two toms stopped arguing to stare at him.

"Order as many Note 7s as you can!" cried Tigerstar.

"Why?" asked Hawkfrost and Breezepelt in unison.

"Because we can use them to bomb the Clans!"

"Oh!" cried Breezepelt, dancing around. "GOOD IDEA!" He leered at Hawkfrost. "You see? Android _is_ better than iPhone!"

"Wha – NO FAIR!" Hawkfrost bawled.

"See you!" shouted Breezepelt. "I'm going to be the King of the Samsungs soon enough. "Bye!" He banged the door shut.

"I demand a refund, Apple!" Hawkfrost screeched. He threw his iPhone7 on the ground, and the screen broke into a million pieces.

Lesson learned: iPhone may be pricey, but _nothing_ is worth more than a phone which blows up.

* * *

 **Yeah, the whole Samsung vs. Apple battle. I'm an LG user, so it's always fun to watch people argue about this. It never gets old…**

 **Oh, and some of you were wondering what TRotR is, because I keep referencing to it all the time. I abbreviate all of my stories. This story is abbreviated as GSC.** ** _The Music of the Mist_** **(my first story on this site) is called TMotM, and TRotR is** ** _The Rise of the Rainbow_** **(the sequel). I will use this space to self-advertise myself and encourage you to go read those!**

 **On another note, I'm getting a new laptop. The one I'm using now is sort of old and dead, so my mom's going to get me one and I'll have to set it up next weekend. Guess what type of laptop she's getting me? A Windows 10. A FREAKING WINDOWS TEN. *facepalm* I'm ready to die right now.**

 **See you all next week!**


	13. StarClan

**This chapter I made extra-long, so hope you enjoy! Oh, and I also used the 'Firestar Doesn't Like Waffles' video on YouTube for this, and Chucklez-Lives-On's fanfic,** ** _When StarClan Gets Bored_** **. I asked Chucklez's permission before using the fanfic, of course. So anyways, if you see italicized and underlined lines, it's from that story.**

 **Review replies:**

 **Beeflight: ****Thanks! :D How's life going?**

 **Twlilight's hunter:** **Sorry, but Toshiba is way better. I literally have no clue how to use a Mac.**

* * *

CHAPTER 11: STARCLAN

 _One day Cinderheart burst into Jayfeather's apartment, looking super excited and dragging Lionblaze along with her._

 _"_ _What?" groaned Jayfeather. "What happened now?"_

 _"_ _I have the most fantastic, awesome, beautiful news ever!" Cinderheart squealed._

 _"_ _Get on with it," muttered Jayfeather. He rolled his eyes at Lionblaze, hoping his brother would return the gesture, but to his surprise he seemed just as excited as Cinderheart._

 _Cinderheart held up her left hand; on her ring finger was a diamond ring. "IMGETTINGMARRIED!" she squealed._

 _"_ _WHAT?" cried Jayfeather, shocked._

 _"_ We're _getting married," Lionblaze corrected, though still grinning. "And I've invited you to be my best man!"_

 _"_ _That's awesome," Jayfeather couldn't help but grin. "That actually_ is _fantastic news."_

 _"_ _You're not being sarcastic, are you?" asked Cinderheart. "Because we want you and the other medicine cats to play violin at our wedding."_

 _"_ _Sure," replied Jayfeather, still smiling. But suddenly, he stopped. "Wait a minute? DO WE HAVE TO PLAY THE STUPID PACHELBEL WEDDING CANON IN D?"_

 _"_ _Um… well, yes," answered Lionblaze, looking nervously at Cinderheart._

 _"_ _What?" Jayfeather cried. "This is so unfair! Do I_ really _have to play at your wedding?"_

 _"_ _Too late! You already agreed to it," responded Cinderheart, laughing. "See you! Wedding's Sunday, at the Moonpool Church. I'm going to pick out my wedding dress now!"_

 _She left, with Jayfeather standing there and groaning._

* * *

It was Thanksgiving Day in StarClan. Bluestar sat at the head of the table, since she's the supreme leader of StarClan **(or so she thinks)**. A huge, 10,000-feet long turkey was at the center of the table, to everyone's admiration. Next to it where thousands of sides: mashed potatoes, gravy, and the best part – stuffing. Ferncloud **(her role hasn't improved much even after her death)** was sitting in the kitchen, still cooking.

Yep, there was definitely enough food for everyone.

Except maybe not. Once you factor in all the hungry cats who haven't even eaten since the night before, the cats who stuff their plates with stuffing, the cats who claim that even the hugest turkey is not enough for them, and the kits, let's not forget the kits… the food just _might_ be over.

But anyways, StarClan was happily sitting there, eating, while Firestar was telling the story about how he bravely fought off Tigerstar before his death.

"He was just coming at me, just coming at me, I tell you! But then I was smart. I swerved away at the very last second, then pinned him down, and" –

"And then the tree crushed you," Yellowfang interrupted, causing the kits to roar with laughter. Firestar glared.

"You are interrupting the grand finale to my story! I was about to tell them how brave and awesome I was!"

"Yeah, shut up, Gary-stu," muttered Ashfur. "We've heard that story a thousand times."

"Gary-stu?" roared Bluestar suddenly, glaring at Ashfur. " _Gary-stu_? Where did you get that term from and – oh, _have you been reading fanfiction_?"

It suddenly became eerily silent. Everyone glared at Ashfur, who had bowed his head down nervously.

"Well, I have," he admitted. There was a gasp. But then he pointed to Hollyleaf. "But she has been, too."

" _What_?" trilled Hollyleaf. "But I added a rule to the WARRIOR CODE stating, well, um, what was it again?" She took out her pocket-sized WARRIOR CODE book, which she keeps in her pocket all day long just so she can refer to the rules. "Rule 839,338,348,484: 'Any cat who is caught reading fanfiction, or writing any story of such horrible quality, will be forced to eat Spottedleaf's stuffing until they throw up.'"

"Hey!" Spottedleaf protested. "My cooking isn't that bad!"

"You see!" Ashfur snarled. "She just incriminated herself! She openly admitted that she broke a rule!"

"Wha – NO FAIR!" Hollyleaf yowled, realizing what she had done. _Why oh why didn't I just keep my mouth shut?_

"ARREST THEM!" Bluestar roared.

"Wait!" said Firestar suddenly, before anyone could do anything. "Spottedleaf and I – um, we've been reading fanfiction, too."

"And so have I," added Sandstorm, standing up.

Several other cats stood up and nodded, admitting to reading the stories themselves. Bluestar's heart sank as she realized she couldn't arrest them all. _But something has to be done about this!_

"And do you know what?" added Stonefur. "I found something else interesting on the World Wide Web, too. Not just fanfiction." He went to his iPad and opened up YouTube.

"Oh, not another one"… Sandstorm groaned, through a bite of turkey. Her mouth opened as she realized what was going on.

"For the last time, Graystripe, I don't like waffles," she heard Firestar say, on the YouTube video.

Ravenpaw gasped. Bluestar gasped. Yellowfang gasped. They stared at Firestar, before gasping, "Firestar doesn't like waffles?"

"Firestar doesn't like waffles?" gasped the whole of StarClan.

"FIRESTAR DOESN'T LIKE WAFFLES?" the whole world cried.

* * *

 **~In the Dark Forest~**

"FIRESTAR DOESN'T LIKE WAFFLES!" screamed Hawkfrost.

"I always knew maple syrup was his weakness," giggled Tigerstar.

"I'll order a pack of waffle grenades along with the exploding Samsung devices," grinned Breezepelt.

* * *

 **~back to the present~**

"And I found another thing," added Stonefur. "It's a story on that site, called _When StarClan Gets Bored_."

"Oh, not _another_ one of those stories," cried Sandstorm.

"No, but _look_ at this," groaned Stonefur. "They've made StarClan look like a bunch of baseless idiots!"

"What?" cried Bluestar. "Who has insulted StarClan? THEY WILL BE PUNISHED!" She bared her teeth.

"Chill, lady," Stonefur advised his mom.

"So what was the story you were going to show us?" demanded Yellowfang. "Show us before I slam this pot of mashed potatoes in your face!"

Stonefur sighed and opened his iPad, searching for the story. After a moment, he found it. "Here," he meowed, reading it to everyone.

 _"_ _The Clans are too boring," commented Bluestar, staring at the Looking Puddle._

 _The Clans were boringly hunting boring prey._

"Too many uses of the word 'boring'," meowed Spottedleaf.

"I think that's kind of the whole point"… responded Firestar.

 _"_ _You got that right," sighed Yellowfang. "Somehow, we need to spice up their lives."_

 _"_ _Oh, I know!" announced Lionheart. "Didn't you say you could hypnotize cats?"_

 _"_ _Oh yeah!" Yellowfang purred. "Let's summon the Clan cats for hypnotism!"_

 _"_ _I SUMMON ALL CATS TO STARCLAN!" Bluestar roared. Poof. The Clan cats appeared._

"WHAT?" roared Bluestar. "StarClan would never – _I_ would never do such a thing! We are wise, sage, all-knowing, and would never" – **(dream on, Bluestar. Dream on.)**

"You seriously need to chill," Oakheart advised her.

 _"_ _Now, follow my tail," Yellowfang told the Clan cats. "You will be hypnotized"…_

 _The cats watched Yellowfang's tail wave in the air._

 _"_ _You are now hypnotized," Yellowfang finished. "When you wake up in the morning, you will become crazy and random."_

 _"_ Very _random," put in Bluestar._

 _"_ _And_ very _crazy," added Mousefur._

 _Let the randomness begin!_

"FanFiction – is – evil!" cried Hollyleaf. "They have portrayed StarClan as a group of evil cats, when in reality, we are all-knowing and guide the Clans to" –

"SHUT UP!" Yellowfang and Spottedleaf roared. There was silence after that.

"You know, when are we going to get the Warriors' Wide Web back?" asked Ashfur. "Any tech experts around here? You have failed us!"

"Hey, we're working on it," protested Feathertail. "There's just one problem."

"What?" groaned Firestar. "What could the problem possibly be?"

"We can't put the Warriors' Wide Web back until we solve one major problem."

"What problem?" demanded Bluestar. "And you never told me about – WHAT IS IT?"

"Scourge has taken advantage of the World Wide Web to track us down and is planning to launch an attack on the Clans."

It suddenly became very silent. Everyone stared at Feathertail.

"Scourge?" gasped Sandstorm. "I thought he was dead."

"Yes," said Feathertail. "But he has risen back to power, re-assembled BloodClan, and re-named them CookieClan. They've already taken over SkyClan, with the help of a bunch of exploding Oreo cookies!"

"What the heck are you talking abo – oh, never mind. I don't even want to know," shuddered Cinderpelt.

"So are you saying that they'll come here?" demanded Bluestar. "Where did you find out?"

"The SkyClan News Hour!" cried Feathertail. "The problem with posting all our news on the World Wide Web is that everyone can see it. That's how Scourge and others came to take advantage of us."

"So why can't you dismantle the World Wide Web?" asked Crookedstar. "What's the problem with that?"

"Because we can use that to _our_ advantage."

"Oh. OH!" Ashfur had a gleam in his eyes. "That's a good idea!"

Just at that very moment, Ferncloud walked into the room. "Anyone want apple pie?"

"Why would we want that?" demanded Ashfur. "I have a way better dessert idea!" He took out his cell phone, typed a number in, and the voice came up.

"Cloudtail's Ice-Creamería here. How can I help you?"

There was a silence. Ashfur grinned around as he said into the phone:

… "Can I place an order for four thousand exploding ice-cream sandwiches?"

* * *

 **Another musician joke. We hate Pachelbel's Canon in D (the song played at most church weddings, you've probably heard it), because it's so horribly redundant and just… overdone. So that sucks for Jayfeather.**

 **Oh yeah, and the Clan cats are fighting fire with fire! They're going to fight back with explosive ice-cream now. :) Heh, I've put an awful lot of exploding desserts in this story. In case you couldn't tell, I have this horrible obsession with blowing things up, which is really strange, because I absolutely hate loud noises.**

 **See you next time!**


	14. Author's Note

AUTHOR'S NOTE

 **Hello, it's me again! I'm not dead, in case you're wondering. I mean, it's only been like, what, six months since my last update? No biggie. It's not like I, you know, left you guys at a crucial point of the story and left you stranded there for months and months. _Absolutely_ not. _No one_ would be evil enough to do that. Oh wait a minute, that's exactly what I _did_. Oh. Pardon!**

 **Okay, enough with the sarcasm. I am seriously sorry that it took me so long to update this. I feel bad about making you guys wait for so long without even telling you guys why I ran off.**

 **First, I should respond to a few guest reviews, then I'll explain what's been going on.**

 **Hollystar:** **Thanks. :) Unfortunately, this story is ending soon, so I really won't have time to do that. Though you're right, I really only focus on the reactions from ThunderClan.**

 **Guest:** **Um, I'd beg to differ, and so would many other violists and violinists, but you're welcome to have your own opinion. A lot of people _do_ care, just so you know…**

 **WriteKnight:** **I'm kind of ambivalent on Pachelbel's Canon. The piece is nice, but it's just so horribly redundant. Whatever, I just like making fun of it! :)**

 **Now, for the explanation. After my previous update at the end of November, I just thought, _Eh, I'll wait until I finish TRotR to post this._ I wanted to spend all of my time on that, because this is actually a side project I was working on at the same time. I couldn't concentrate on both at the same time.**

 **But wait a minute, I completed TRotR two months ago! What have I been doing since then? Well unfortunately, lately I've been suffering from a little bit (or a lot, depending on how you look at it) of depression. I've actually had this since the beginning of November, and it hasn't stopped. It's a sort of on-off thing, one moment I feel okay (note how I said 'okay', not 'great'), the next moment I just want to die. Heck, I probably should see a therapist, but they'll probably just dismiss it as typical teenage hormones. I can't say that's entirely inaccurate. Anyways, I'm really not going to get into detail about it. I don't need to write pages of my sob story, because the whole thing is just stupid. I'm not the kind of person who needs emotional support. Feel free to PM me about it, but I really don't feel like writing about this right now.**

 **But aside from all of that, I'm really sorry about this, guys. I know I've been depressed, but that doesn't excuse the fact that I didn't even post an author's note explaining it. I know a lot of you were really supportive of this story, and that just wasn't fair. But the thing is, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself type out an a/n explaining what had happened. I haven't even logged into this site since two months ago, when I finished TRotR. I don't even know how yesterday, I found the inspiration to get on to my computer and spontaneously start writing this story again (I actually finished writing a chapter. That's why I'm posting this a/n right now).**

 **Anyways, just so you know, the story's ending in about two to three chapters. It's not because I can't write it, but that was my original plan. I know that you guys want me to keep writing this, but this story can't go on forever, because besides being a parody of the warrior cats, it has an actual plot! It has to end somewhere.**

 **Oh, and I know some of you have asked me if you could write a story like this for yourselves. Go ahead! I not only encourage it, I also say that you _should_ do it! It's fun to make people laugh. The only thing is that I recommend you do it for a different fandom, so that people don't see it as copying. But other than that, you're welcome to do it. I actually got the idea for this from someone else, who did it for a different fandom. So go and write your hearts out!**

 **To anyone who's still reading this, thanks so much. If you're not, that's fine with me, too. You know, back when I was an average guest reviewer on this site, I used to think, _What? Why do people take so long to update? What's wrong with them?_ and look at them with distaste. Now, guess what? I'm officially one of those people. It's really sad, actually. *sighs* Well, what can I say?**

 **I'm going to be posting the next chapter right now. This story will continue, so please look at it!**


	15. The Tribe of Rushing Water

CHAPTER 12: THE TRIBE OF RUSHING WATER

 **Back in StarClan…**

 _"_ _You know, we could really use some allies against CookieClan and the Dark Forest," said Bluestar._

 _"_ _I agree," said Yellowfang. "Which is why I think we should enlist the Tribe to help us."_

 _Bluestar nearly smacked Yellowfang on the head. "The Tribe? You mean those fools?_ They _won't help us! They'll beg our help whenever they have a problem, but when it comes to_ our _problems, they don't care."_

 _Yellowfang grinned. "Don't worry. I've got an idea"…_

* * *

It was a normal day at the Tribe of Rushing Water. The new Stoneteller, Crag Where Eagles Nest, was sitting with his phone, talking/complaining with the old Stoneteller.

"No, how many times do I have to tell you? We're not throwing stink bombs at the eagles. Don't you think I have better things to do than take care of those pesky creatures? We have to figure out how to fix this World Wide Web nonsense."

It turned out that the Clans weren't the only ones having Internet problems. The Tribe also had problems with their Internet. They had to use the World Wide Web, just like the Clans.

"Well, I've always hated the eagles," said old Stoneteller, with his cranky, annoying voice. "Just like I hate Clan cats."

"The Clans have helped us so much," snapped the new Stoneteller. "You know what, I've had enough of this nonsense." He slammed the phone down.

Other than that, it was a relatively quiet day in the Tribe. Stormfur and Brook were sitting together, chatting quietly.

"Can't wait until the Internet gets fixed, huh?" Stormfur said.

"Yeah," Brook sighed. "We can finally go back to watching ClanTV shows." She frowned. "Though I don't know why we like them so much."

"Yeah. We're technically not supposed to like Clan stuff," agreed Stormfur.

Just then, Stormfur's phone beeped. He looked down at it. He saw he'd gotten an email from an anonymous host in the Clans. Puzzled, he opened the email. It read:

 _Help! Fanfiction-itis iz terorizzing us!1!1!1!_

Attached was a link to a site on fanfiction .net. Confused, Stormfur showed it to Brook.

"Are the Clans in trouble?" asked Brook. "Do you think that's what it is?"

"I dunno," Stormfur shrugged. "But let's see what this link leads to."

"Don't click on it!" Brook cried. But Stormfur already had.

It opened up to a world-famous fic for us Twolegs. Actually, shall we say, a world-famous _troll-fic_. Otherwise known as _Starkit's Prophecy_.

"What is this?" asked Brook, confused.

"Yeah, what kind of a story is this?" asked Stormfur. He read the first line.

 _ok so like i said this iks my first story be nice plz_

 _btw its set afte rsunset so_

"Why do I get the feeling that this person has never heard of spell-check?"

They read through the Allegiances. The annoying thing was that the person had capitalized the second part of the warriors' names. Stormfur found it very annoying when people did that. That wasn't how the names were supposed to be spelled.

"Oh, look," Brook said, dissolving into laughter. "'He-cat'. I'm going to use that now every time I want to refer to a tom."

"And what's this?" demanded Stormfur. "'Chapter two to the rose of a heroin'? Is the author on drugs?"

"I guess they meant 'the rise of a heroine'," Brook said.

"Well, it sounds more like a drunk heroine to me," grumbled Stormfur. He was beginning to feel annoyed. This person was making fun of his Clan heritage, and he didn't like it.

The third chapter started off with a nasty author's note:

 _flamrs ur all satanits!11 anyon who dosent like the stro is a staneist cause StarGIPaw has such a strng conecton with sTarcaln and thats why you dot like it, its cause u do ntlik JEZUS!_

"Um, okay," Brook said, confused. "For someone who practices their religion so strongly, they should at least be able to properly spell the name of their savior."

"I've had enough of this," growled Stormfur. "Let's just read this story and be done with it."

They continued to read. Basically, the story was about a demented purple cat who thought she knew everything and the whole Clan worshipped her. Hollyleaf and Tigerstar (or Tiggerstar, as the author called him) were the villains of the story, and Starpaw/gleam/whatever-the-author-wanted-to-call-her-at-that-very-moment was supposed to save the day. She epically failed every time, and had to be sent back to life by StarClan. Stormfur and Brook came to the point where Tiggerstar was threatening Firestar.

 _"Fuhrstar! yellded a TiggerStraw. "You ar gong to die now!" And he held out... SOME JEW!_ **(a/n: I literally died at this point. Best line in the entire thing.)**

"What… the"… Stormfur was so shocked he couldn't even say anything.

"We have to tell Stoneteller," declared Brook. "He'll know what to do."

They went over to Stoneteller's house and knocked on his door. "Stoneteller!"

The Stoneteller came out. "What is it?" he asked grumpily. "Don't tell me that you're one of those people who come around, trying to sell stuff that I don't want! I've got enough of that with the old Stoneteller!"

"Stoneteller, it's just us!" Brook meowed. "You know, Brook and Stormfur."

"Oh, it's you." Stoneteller grumpily ushered them into his house. "What do you want?"

"The Clans are in trouble," said Stormfur.

"Really?" asked the Stoneteller. "What makes you think that?"

"This email," said Stormfur, showing him. Stoneteller quickly read the one-liner.

"This doesn't tell me anything," he said. "It could be someone pretending the Clans. Unless they're being attacked by pink unicorns, I really can't do anything."

"Hey, I like unicorns!" Brook said angrily. "You really can't do anything to help?"

"New policy," responded Stoneteller. "The old Stoneteller passed a new rule. Unless I get his permission, I can't do anything to help the Clans."

" _What_?" asked Stormfur, outraged. No wonder Stoneteller was so upset! "Can we talk to him?" he begged.

"Good luck. I've already talked to him ten times," responded Stoneteller sourly. "He still doesn't understand that stink bombs don't kill eagles." He gave Stormfur the phone.

Stormfur sighed and took the receiver, dialing the old Stoneteller's phone. His voice immediately came up.

"Hey, Crag! Is that you? I'm glad you're considered my idea to attack the eagles with fruit snacks. I'll order a bunch right away!"

Stormfur nearly dropped the receiver in shock. "I'm not Stoneteller! And his name is not Crag!" He groaned. "And I thought it was stink bombs, not fruit snacks!"

"S'all the same," said the old Stoneteller. "Who are you, anyways? Wait a minute… are you that Clan cat?"

"Er, yes," said Stormfur, realizing that this might not have been such a good idea. "Look, the Clans are in trouble, and we need you to let us help them"…

"Help them! Oh no! Since I'm such an ungrateful old dude, I'm going to let them suffer and sit back and watch!" Stoneteller let out a laugh.

"No, wait!" said Stormfur, fighting back the panic. "They're"…

"What have they done now?" answered old Stoneteller. "Have they tied themselves up in cobweb? Tangled around in thistle? Well, sucks for them. Even though one of their warriors died for my Tribe and one of their medicine cats basically rescued us from doom, I have no reason to help them."

"At least read the email," Stormfur pleaded. He got his phone out and hit FORWARD on the email.

From the other end of the phone, he could hear Stoneteller laughing.

"Ha ha! HA HA! You expect me to help the Clans because of this one-liner? No way! Ha ha ha!" Stoneteller roared.

Stormfur looked helplessly at the current Stoneteller, who just shrugged and gave him a _what did I tell you?_ look. Suddenly, the other Stoneteller let out a shout of rage.

"What? What is this… _thing_? Who wrote this? _Who_?"

Stormfur knew that he was reading _Starkit's Prophecy_. His heart skipped a beat. It went even faster as Stoneteller began to yowl.

"How dare this Star-whatsit write in such a horrible manner?" Stoneteller screeched. "You know what? If the Clans are writing such junk like this, then they most _certainly_ need help! Only someone with an IQ under ten could write this! I will send the Tribe to go and help the Clans. Send _everyone_! No cat left behind! Order the fruit snack grenades now! We are going to uproot this trash from where it started!" He shouted a list of vulgarities and slammed the phone down.

Stormfur stared at Stoneteller, whose eyes were bugging out. "Did you get him to… _agree_ to something?" he gasped. " _How_?"

Brook grinned. "With the World Wide Web, anything's possible."

* * *

 _"_ _They deiid it!" snarled Stargleam, slamming her paw down. "I cannut BELIVIE theyy useded MY sroty to get elp form the trieb!" She growled._

 _"_ _Don't worry," said Scourge, though he was laughing. "The Clans are right up ahead, my dear. They will soon be ours." 'Well actually, they'll be_ mine _,' he thought privately, enjoying the thought of dumping the annoying purple princess into the lake._

 _From a distance, they could make out the shape of the lake and the Clans, preparing for battle._

* * *

 **Yeah… that's how the Clans get allies. Kind of sad that they were betting on a story written by an eight-year-old to get the Tribe on their side. I find it ironic that Stargleam's story was used to get the Clans some supporters when she's the one who's fighting against them. Oh well…**


	16. The Epic Dessert War

**Okay, I have a few disclaimers here. First of all, I am using** ** _Starkit's Prophecy_** **again in this chapter. I will warn you that there are many homophobic statements in the writing. That is not my opinion. That is the opinion of** ** _Starkit's Prophecy_** **'s author. If you feel like you will be offended, read at your own risk. You have been warned.**

 **Also, there is cursing in** ** _Starkit's Prophecy_** **. I censored it, but if you don't like swearing, just watch out. I personally don't like it either, but it's sort of funny in the context of the story. You'll see.**

 **Anything else? Oh yeah, be prepared for a ton of explosions and food-fights! It's always fun to watch. Watch out for extreme craziness, randomness, and everything in between! Oh and also, you should probably read** ** _Starkit's Prophecy_** **before reading this, if you haven't already. No seriously, read the whole thing. You can find it here: ( www** **.** **starkitsprophecy . webstarts the _ story . html) However this is only the first 34 chapters, for some reason the entire story isn't there. You can continue reading the last eleven chapters on someone's fanfiction commentary: (** **www . fanfiction s/ 11987132 /1/ Shelly-s-Extreme-Commentary-of-Starkit-s-Prophecy** **) WARNING: graphic language used in this. Reader discretion advised.**

 **Frostnight: ****Hi! Thanks for the nice review. :) And sure, here's some heather ice-cream with shredded mint and poppy seeds! And it's nice that you play violin too.**

 **DaBestAtNothinf: ****Sure, here's catmint ice-cream with sugared poppy seeds! Don't listen to your sister, getting hyper on Cloudtail's ice-cream is a good thing. Also, you should see what Jayfeather does when he's (legally) blind.**

 **Stormbreeze: ****I won't PM you, but you're not a member of FanFiction, are you? You didn't log in when you wrote the review. You can't PM or receive PMs unless you are a member. Sure, here is your catmint ice-cream with heather!**

 **Guest: ****Jayfeather is actually legally blind, which is why he can read the fanfics, though I guess he shouldn't be able to do that when he's got such poor vision. Oh, and you can have honey with shredded mint! And acorn and honey with shredded mint!**

* * *

CHAPTER 13: THE EPIC DESSERT WAR

Jayfeather was in the Gathering island, secretly glad that he was preparing for war. Anything was better than playing Canon in D major. He thought it would be more exciting to fire a cannon in the face of the enemy.

"We are getting ready," Bramblestar announced. "We have the Tribe as our allies. They became our allies after they read some… _stuff_ online. While we wait for them to arrive, grab an ice-cream sandwich from the bucket. We are ready for WAR!"

"Ice-cream?" asked Alderkit, looking excited. "We get to eat ice-cream?" He grabbed a sandwich from the bucket.

"Not you!" Bramblestar wrestled his son away from the desserts. "It's not the kind you eat, unless you want to implode!" He glared at Jayfeather. "What are you doing? Weren't you supposed to be watching him?"

Jayfeather groaned. Every month or so, Squirrelflight made him babysit Alderkit and Sparkkit. It was totally unfair, considering the fact that Lionblaze never had to do it. Today it had been because Squirrelflight needed to take Lionblaze out to buy a tuxedo for his wedding. As if anyone wanted to wear a tuxedo when there was the threat of a bunch of exploding Oreos in your face.

"I brought Alderkit and Sparkkit to the island," he muttered. "I thought they could find something to do while I discussed the plans with you."

"Find something to do?" Bramblestar face-palmed. "Sparkkit could have eaten an entire box of exploding ice-cream by now!"

They ran around the island, looking for Sparkkit. But she was almost nowhere to be found. They finally found her asleep in Cloudtail's Ice-Creamería.

"Come on, now," said Bramblestar, nudging her gently. "Let's get up and go home."

Sparkkit didn't respond. It was then that Jayfeather noticed she'd become quite fat. Her eyelids fluttered and she muttered, "Too… much… ice-cream"… Her eyes shut and she fell asleep again.

"Let's get her home," sighed Bramblestar. He glared at Jayfeather. "And you had better go with them."

Jayfeather grumbled. Bramblestar half-dragged, half-carried Sparkkit to his car, with Alderkit tagging behind them. He opened the car door and pointed at Jayfeather to get in. Sighing, Jayfeather took the driver's seat and climbed in.

"Bye," Bramblestar said curtly, walking away. Jayfeather started up the engine and reversed the car.

Jayfeather had never been a good driver, and today was no exception. His driving skills caused Sparkkit to throw up her gallons of ice-cream and Alderkit to groan. "Shut up!" Jayfeather snapped.

Then they saw it. A sea of Oreos were building up in RiverClan. It was the weirdest thing Jayfeather had ever seen. He stared in surprise as the Oreos began to set on fire.

"CHIPS AHOY!" Jayfeather screamed. "WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!"

Sparkkit was now fully awake. "What happened?" she cried. Alderkit's eyes were wide open.

"We need to find a place to hide!" Jayfeather took the left lane. Soon they had reached the Horseplace. "Stay in there," he meowed to Alderkit and Sparkkit, leading them outside. "And don't leave until I say so." He then sped back towards Bramblestar's car.

"You think you're getting your car back?" snarled a CookieClan cat. "Well, you're not! Feel the wrath of CHOCOLATE!" He slammed a giant Oreo cookie on the car.

Sparkkit and Alderkit screamed in terror as Bramblestar's black car blew up.

"You imbecile!" roared Jayfeather. "You'll pay for this! You'll"…

"Hop in, Jayfeather!" he heard a shout. Jayfeather turned around to see Cloudtail coming up to him, driving his ice-cream truck. "Let's go!"

Jayfeather ran to the van and jumped in. The truck sped off, leaving the CookieClan cat to shout a bunch of curses. Unfortunately for him, the ice-cream van didn't just make ice-cream, it served _exploding_ ice-cream. Cloudtail threw a tub of nuclear cotton-cream candy at the CookieClan cat's face, leaving him howling.

"Take that, you big bully!" Cloudtail roared. "You hear that? ICE-CREAM VS. COOKIES!1!1!"

"Um… okay"… Jayfeather turned to look out of the window.

He saw, to his dismay, that the Clan cats were getting badly beaten by the CookieClan cats. The CookieClan cats didn't just invest in Oreos; they also had exploding Meowies, Clawbler, and Chips Ahoy. Each time a cookie hit the ground, it set everything on fire. The Clan cats, on the other hand, were fighting on land. Most of the time, when they threw a sandwich into the air at the planes, they missed and set fire on their _own_ land.

To Jayfeather's shock, he saw dark warships coming on the lake. _The Dark Forest?_ He realized that the Clan cats were hopelessly outnumbered. If the Dark Forest cats were coming to attack them, they had no recourse. Their only hope was to fight from the air and gain higher ground.

"We've got to find a plane!" Jayfeather grabbed his cell phone from his pocket and dialed his sister's number. StarClan controlled the air force, and since Hollyleaf was training to be a pilot, he figured he could use her. "Get your butt over here!" he barked into the phone. "We need you to give us a lift!"

Less than a minute later, a tiny plane pulled down beside them. Cloudtail and Jayfeather eagerly climbed out of the van.

"Climb in!" Hollyleaf barked at them. Cloudtail and Jayfeather climbed into the plane. As they did, two more figures climbed in with them. It was… Sparkkit and Alderkit!

"What are you doing here? Didn't I tell you to stay at the horseplace?" Jayfeather yelled at them.

"We did," answered Sparkkit. "Then the horseplace blew up."

"We climbed into the trunk of the ice-cream van," added Alderkit.

Jayfeather shook his head. "It's going to be a loooong ride." Hollyleaf fired up the engine, and the plane raced down the Thunderpath at an alarming speed. It easily flew into the air. Alderkit and Sparkkit screamed for their lives as the turbulence caught up with them. The fact that two million missiles, bombs, and Oreo cookies were firing at them did not make life any easier. Hollyleaf grabbed four wingsuits and told them to put them on over their clothes in case of an emergency.

Although the windows were closed, they could hear all the commotion outside.

"The Dark Forest has arrived!" roared Breezepelt. "You will fall, Clans! Screw you, Scourge! Take THAT!" He threw an exploding Samsung device randomly to the ground.

"What, they've got exploding phones now?" gasped Jayfeather.

The Android fell to the ground and hit Cloudtail's van. The engine caught on fire and blew the van to smithereens.

"You DIDN'T!" roared Cloudtail. "Not my ice-cream van! How am I going to serve ice-cream to all those children in the summer? Let's take him down!"

Hollyleaf swerved the plane around, trying to get a shot at Breezepelt. Cloudtail pressed the MISSLE button. A large torrent of ice-cream flew out of the cannon, falling onto Breezepelt's head. Breezepelt screamed as the ice-cream smothered the engine of his ship, and the entire thing fell to the ground.

"One down, a million more to go!" grinned Hollyleaf.

Suddenly, more planes began to arrive. They had the crest of the Tribe of Rushing Water on them. "They're our allies!" cried Cloudtail. "We're saved!"

But unfortunately, the Dark Forest was beginning to notice Hollyleaf's plane. Shooting down Breezepelt had not gone unnoticed, and there were several Dark Forest airships approaching them, looking for revenge.

"Uh oh"… muttered Jayfeather.

The six airships began to close in on the plane. In the back, Sparkkit and Alderkit began to scream in terror. Yet Hollyleaf didn't move the plane. She let it hover in the air, motionless.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" roared Jayfeather. "THOSE GUYS ARE GOING TO PULVERIZE US! GET MOVING!"

Hollyleaf still didn't move. The airships began to move fast, flying at the plane. At the last possible second, Hollyleaf swerved upward. The six airships crashed into each other and exploded.

"HA!" Cloudtail roared. "TAKE THAT! NO ONE CAN OUTSMART A THUNDERCLAN CAT!"

"It's going to be a bad ride – watch!" Hollyleaf continued to fly straight upwards. The five screamed as the forces of gravity worked against them. Then she did a loop-de-loop, which caused Sparkkit to throw up again. Since the gravity was all messed up, her vomit went everywhere.

"I'm scared," wailed Alderkit from the back.

"No one asked you to come," snapped Jayfeather. He had zero sympathy for Alderkit and Sparkkit, seeing as they'd disobeyed orders.

Sparkkit walked up to the cockpit. She probably wasn't supposed to do this, but seeing as she was so scared, she did it anyways. She pushed an orange button on the plane.

"DON'T – TOUCH – THE – BUTTONS!" Hollyleaf roared.

But it was too late. The plane ejected the five from their seats, out to the nearest emergency exit. They felt the wingsuits that had come pre-installed open up as they were blasted into the night air. A moment later, an airborne Android device hit the plane, causing it to explode.

"Extend your arms!" Jayfeather roared. "We can fly!"

The others did so. Below him, Jayfeather saw Hollyleaf's green suit, Cloudtail's sky blue, Alderkit's deep red, and Sparkkit's bright yellow. His own dark blue suit blended in perfectly with the night. If not for the fact that they were a clear target for all the missiles, Jayfeather would have stopped to admire the moment. _We're winged cats!_ He extended his wings, flying upwards.

"Grab on to Alderkit and Sparkkit!" Jayfeather yelled at the others. "They're not strong enough fly on their own!"

Hollyleaf grabbed Sparkkit's yellow wings; Cloudtail latched on to Alderkit. A fiery Oreo whizzed past Alderkit and he screamed.

Jayfeather continued flying up towards Silverpelt, looking for a place to land. While they were flying, they went past Scourge's ship.

"I will defeat you, Dark Forest!" roared Scourge. "I will be the most epic king ever to rule the Clans! Got that, Tigerstar?" He bared his teeth. "I defeated you once, I will defeat you again! And the lake will be MINE!"

" _You_?" shrieked Stargleam. "Ima teh PWINCEESSS! I wil rool!11!1!1!11!1

"Yeah, not gonna happen. See ya around!" Scourge kicked Stargleam off the ship.

"NUUUUUUUUUUUU!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1! screamed Stargleam as she plummeted down to the lake. She hit the water with a colossal crash, her fatness making the lake swell two times its size.

"BWAHA!" roared Scourge, glaring at Tigerstar. "Now it's just you and me!" He jumped onto Tigerstar's airship and the two started fighting.

Jayfeather nudged Cloudtail. "They're fighting! So they're not working together to defeat us after all!"

"I'm HUNGRY!" screamed Sparkkit.

"We're getting to land soon," snapped Jayfeather. "Stop whining. It's your fault we're even in this situation in the first place." Leave it to kits to be hungry at the wrong moment. Let her be hungry. She could go eat an exploding ice-cream sundae for all Jayfeather cared.

"Be nice," Hollyleaf chided. "If she hadn't have pressed the emergency button, we would have blown up along with the plane."

Jayfeather sighed and looked up. Silverpelt was just approaching; they were near the segment right above the Moonpool. Since Silverpelt was a white floaty cloud, he was able to fly up into it, but still stand on it. When he reached the top, he waited for the others to fly up right beside him.

Jayfeather surveyed the damage from above. Just about all of RiverClan and half of ShadowClan was destroyed. He saw, much to his dismay, that the Tribe and the Clans were losing. Even though CookieClan and the Dark Forest were rivals, they still had the upper paw. The situation looked hopeless.

"What do we do?" wailed Alderkit. "I'm as hungry as a Stargleam who eats yew which is actually a Jew!" **(no racism intended, I was just making fun of the story, not Jewish people)**.

"For the last time, will you shut up – wait a minute, you just gave me an idea!" Jayfeather looked around until he found what he was looking for; a magical silver megaphone. It was the one that the StarClan cats used to give prophecies while medicine cats were at the Moonpool; it could also be used to make an announcement to every cat in the Clans. "Um… how does this thing work?"

"Gimme." Hollyleaf snatched the megaphone and hit a switch. The megaphone immediately changed from alluring silver to a fiery shade of gold. Jayfeather gulped for a moment, then spoke into the megaphone.

"Um… stop the fighting!" That didn't work. Jayfeather tried a different tactic. "QUIT FIGHTING OR I'LL THROW AN ICE-CREAM CONE AT YOU!"

Slowly, the fighting ceased and the bombs stopped dropping. Everyone looked up at Jayfeather, Hollyleaf, Cloudtail, and the two kits. Even Scourge and Tigerstar stopped fighting to see what was going on.

"Why are we stopping the showdown because of a blind cat?" complained Breezepelt.

" _Legally_ blind," Jayfeather corrected. "Your Samsung devices don't scare me, badger-brain," he muttered under his breath. "Now listen up, I have a story for all of you."

"Are you kidding?" exploded Tigerstar. "We stopped the fighting just to hear your _nursery-tale_?"

"It's not exactly the best nursery-tale, just so you know," responded Jayfeather. "It's a story that nearly all of my Clanmates have heard and read, but you guys probably don't know what this is. It's called _Starkit's Prophecy_."

All the Clan and Tribe cats began to gag, but the Dark Forest and CookieClan cats sniggered.

"That _does_ sound like a nursery-tale," sneered Tigerstar.

"Waht iz dis?/?/?/ asked Stargleam, poking her head out of the lake. "Meh stroty?"

"Yes, your story," answered Jayfeather patiently. "I just want to make this clear. I'm not her father, no matter what this story tells you." He pointed at Stargleam.

"Wait… you mean this Starkit character is… you?" Scourge looked at Stargleam.

"Duh," answered Stargleam proudly. "I am awsum."

Jayfeather took out his phone and began scrolling to the first page. "Okay, so, um… Anyone got a SmartBoard?"

Hollyleaf found one hidden in the back corner, along with a projector. "This is the SmartBoard and the projector we use to send dreams to medicine cats," she said proudly. "They're not _really_ dreaming, they're just hypnotized and viewing the reflections of images in the Moonpool."

"Um… okay," Jayfeather connected his phone to the SmartBoard. The full text appeared on the screen, for all the cats to see.

Slowly, Jayfeather read every line of the story. The Clan cats' faces became redder and redder, while the Dark Forest and CookieClan cats began laughing. "This is the junk you Clan cats made up?" jeered Hawkfrost. "How laughable!"

"It's not laffabul!" screeched Stargleam. "U meanie! Its meh STROTY! I werote it!1!1!11!"

"I can definitely imagine that," laughed Scourge. "You have about the same grammar level as the guy who made this."

Stargleam growled but said nothing. Jayfeather reached Chapter 4, speaking aloud the authors' note at the bottom.

 _OMGOSH GUkys im so sorry but SOMEONE *glares at rainy days* FLAMED ME AND I GOT REALLY HURT. OKKAY IF you dont LIKE thestor y you dont have to readit u know._

"Learn to spell, idiot!" Mapleshade snarled. "If you don't know how to spell, you DESERVE the flames!"

"Whoever wrote this is a really childish, annoying, spoiled-brat _whiner_ ," grumbled Bone.

"I am NUT a wyner11!1" shrieked Stargleam. "You hear that? I em not a WINNER!"

Everyone howled with laughter.

"Yeah, you're definitely not a winner," agreed Yellowfang. "You're a loser. Only a loser could write that!"

Stargleam burst into rainbow tears but no one felt sorry for her. Jayfeather continued reading.

As he read more and more, the Clan cats were looking more and more embarrassed, while everyone else was laughing. Jayfeather began to see that this wasn't such a good idea.

"What are you trying to accomplish?" Hollyleaf hissed in his ear. "This is doing nothing! You're only making a fool out of us!"

"At least everyone's mind is off of the fighting?" Jayfeather flashed back. "That's what we want. By the time I'm done with this, everyone will be laughing so hard that there won't be any more thoughts of exploding Oreos."

Hollyleaf shook her head but didn't question him again. Jayfeather then got to the part where Tigerstar and Hollyleaf captured Firestar. Or to be more precise, _Tiggerstar_ and Hollyleaf.

"Stop reading this part!" Hollyleaf hissed at Jayfeather. "Now you're making _me_ look bad! You know I always follow the warrior code!"

"Yes, StarClan knows," answered Jayfeather, rolling his eyes.

"'Tiggerstar'?" giggled Hawkfrost. "What kind of world-class crap is this? You should have called him 'Triggerstar'! Then we would have had an exploding leader!" He roared with laughter.

Tigerstar didn't find this all that funny, though. "Shut up or I'll force-feed you Cloudtail's exploding lemon-sorbet," he snapped.

"Hey, we LIKE Cloudtail's ice-cream!" yowled Spottedleaf angrily. "Knock it off!"

Jayfeather continued reading, pretending that he hadn't heard. He was pleased, though, that he had made his first mark on the Dark Forest and CookieClan cats. They clearly were starting to look upset at this. If they got upset enough, they would leave without trying to attack them again.

Next, Jayfeather came to the rather homophobic part of _Starkit's Prophecy_. He read aloud an author's note that Stargleam had written at the bottom.

 _So hod u guys lik eit? it wass so didsuting 2 rite the gya part. HBut thigs are guna be better now inteh clams! Also if ur a bad reveiwer u dont belive in Gosh ull go 2 hekc. thx guys for the god reveis!_

"Well, what's wrong with that?" snarled Stargleam. "Gya peepel r SO didusgting." **(DISCLAIMER: her words, not mine)**

"I hate to say this, but this is the one thing that I actually agree with her on," Scourge remarked. "There's no way two people of the same gender can possibly fall in love."

Hollyleaf flared up instantly. "Shut your mouth, Scourge," she snarled. "Do you want to know what the Twolegs have to say about _you_? Apparently you have a thing for Ashfur."

"Wha – I've never heard of this!" cried Ashfur.

"It's right here," answered Jayfeather, pleased with Hollyleaf's quick thinking. He pulled up a fanfic about Ashfur and Scourge's relationship. By the time he was done reading, everyone was laughing.

"You're such a liar, Ashfur!" teased Ferncloud.

"I didn't know you were in love with bad kitties," added Firestar. "I mean, you tried to kill me once, so why wouldn't you be in love with the dude who _actually_ killed me?"

Ashfur was livid for being brought into this. Scourge looked downright embarrassed. He had found the story funny up till now, but was now starting to lose his brain cells. He fervently hoped this wouldn't happen again.

More things happened as Jayfeather began to read the story. Up till now, it had mainly been embarrassing for the Clan cats, but the CookieClan and Dark Forest cats were starting to feel a bit scared too. Cries rang out as he read a line in Chapter 19.

 _"HawkFrost and I are getting mriaged!" yelld StarPaw happ;y. Everone started crapping!_ ***immature giggles*** _They were soooo happly for StarGstar they new she nedded a mat._

"What in the Dark Forest?" cried Hawkfrost. "You mean I actually get _married_ to that terror?"

"Yeah, and then it's Ashfur again," added Hollyleaf, happy to put the spotlight back on her arch-enemy.

Ashfur glared at Hollyleaf. "I am _so_ suing you for this!"

Jayfeather read for a while, hearing the pained shrieks of Clan and Dark Forest cats alike. He reached Chapter 23.

 _"Ur expeceting kits" Jeyfathter said "They look like theyr gong to be comign in a few dyas/"_ _  
_ _"OMG A FEW DAYS SAID STARGLEMA HOW DID SHE NOT NKNOW THIS,. SHE SAID.  
_ _"If I can aks whose the father" said JayFetaer._

 _"Ummm" said StarGleam shifting her paws "how do I say this. It was...JazzSong."  
_ _"WHAT" Jazzong said coming up to her. "HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK I;M A GIRL"  
_ _I knwo said StarGlaema but "I LOVE YOU."  
_ _"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1!1111!111!11!1!1!1" said JazzStar._

"What a hypocrite!" cried Sandstorm. "She hates it when others are gay, yet when she finds out that _she's_ a lesbian, she can say these things!"

"SOTP TALKIG MEAN ABUT MEH!1!11!111!11" screamed Stargleam.

"Stop talking about you?" snorted Jayfeather. "Are you kidding? We're only just getting started."

They read on. Jayfeather came to the fight between Hollyleaf and the ThunderClan cats, which involved in Stargleam giving birth to her kits and other mayhem. It also involved her son, Fluffykit, single-pawedly **(is that even a word?)** taking on Tiggerstar, even though his eyes weren't even open yet. They finally got to a point where Stargleam got _really_ angry with the Dark Forest cats.

 _"_ _This is wat you get for mesing with ME!" Stargleam roared. "I'M SICK OF ALL YOU INFIDS! ACCEPT JESUS MOTHERF*****S!"_

"WOAH! I didn't think Stargleam had it in her!" cheered Cloudtail.

Tigerstar was furious, however. "How dare she call us that?" he roared.

Jayfeather finally came to the very end. In the end of the story, Stargleam uses some weird magic power to blow away the evil cats **(though why she didn't use it before is beyond me)** , dies, and then her body lifts into the air and her soul departs to StarClan.

Several cats looked as if they were about to throw up at this point, but Jayfeather still wasn't done. There was still an epilogue…

 _I hav a differnt veirson of eht somng rudof the RedNosed Raindeer! :DDDD Its called… STAREGLAEM THE PRUPEL CAT!1111!_

 _StarGlema the puprle cat  
_ _Was a vrey purpel cat  
_ _And if you evre saw hre.  
_ _You wold evne say shes fat._

 _Al of the othre cats  
_ _used to laguth and call her ames.  
_ _they nevre let por StarGealm  
_ _join in ne kity games_

 _then one ofgy Gatherng  
_ _BlueStar came to say  
_ _SarGlema with our fur so bright  
_ _won't you led the gathering tonigt?_

 _Then al the kites loved her  
_ _as they shoted out with gle  
_ _StarGlema the purlep cat  
_ _youll go don in histroy!_

"NO!11!1!11111111!1111!" screeched Tigerstar. "I – CAN'T – TAKE – IT – ANYMORE!"

"My brian cels r ded!1111!1!" wailed Breezepelt.

All of the CookieClan and Dark Forest cats seemed to currently be malfunctioning, screaming random things and using horrible grammar.

"What in StarClan's name is going on?" Hollyleaf yowled at Jayfeather. "What have you done?"

Jayfeather grinned. "It was a very clever plan, wasn't it? I just read aloud the entire _Starkit's Prophecy_. Since most of the Clan and Tribe cats have read parts of it before, they're immune to the sickness, but the Dark Forest and CookieClan cats haven't. Don't you see? We just made them catch a terrible case of Fanfiction-itis!"

It was true. The cats were so sick by now, they were in no state to attack the Clan cats for a long time. Hawkfrost clutched his sides, Scourge spewed pink vomit, and Breezepelt had perfectly beautiful rainbow eyes. Hollyleaf lifted up a humongous ice-cream cake in her arms.

"Take THAT, Tiggerstar!" she roared, hurling it at Tigerstar's airship.

Scourge and Tigerstar screamed as they were hit full-force by the cake, its icing burning their faces, the ice-cream freezing them to the bone, and the mousse hitting the engine. The airship crumbled and fell to the ground. It fell on their supply of Oreos and Androids, destroying them all.

And then the war was over.

* * *

 **Okay, I know Jayfeather's supposed to be legally blind but that plot point has clearly gone out the window. But the Clan cats won! Tiggerstar and Scourge are defeated! WAHOO!**


	17. Something Old, Something New

**Okay, I just want to say something. There was apparently a mistake. I was reading through all the chapters in this story, and I found out that I had posted the Ice-Cream Database twice. I was updating the Ice-Cream Database with flavors people had suggested, but instead, I accidentally replaced Chapter 9 with the updated copy of the Ice-Cream Database. So basically, you had two copies of the same thing and one chapter was deleted. But it's fixed now. I remember a guest reviewer told me this mistake a while back, but I didn't pay attention. Whoever told me about this before, thanks. Now I get what you meant.**

 **After I post this chapter, I will still reply to reviews I get via PM. If you are a guest reviewer, you cannot receive PMs, however. So I will thank you in advance for your support to this story and encourage you to review all the same.**

 **Beeflight: ****Thanks! This is the last chapter, so hope you like it!**

 **And now, the epilogue!**

* * *

EPILOGUE: SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW

It was a quiet day at the Moonpool Temple. A wedding was being conducted there; more precisely, Lionblaze and Cinderheart's wedding. After the long night of fighting and reading FanFiction, everyone was ready to have a more peaceful life.

Except for Jayfeather, that is. He sat grumpily near the platform in the temple, fingering his violin. _I can't believe I have to play the stupid wedding canon._ Mothwing was also playing violin, Sandstorm was playing viola, and Littlecloud was playing the cello.

"Remind me _why_ we're doing this again," muttered Jayfeather.

"Well, just be glad you don't play cello," responded Littlecloud. "I have about eight notes in the entire piece. I have to repeat them about sixty times."

"At least I've finally convinced Spottedleaf that I play _viola_ , not violin," Sandstorm added. "I don't care what piece I have to play."

"I'd rather be blowing up airships," grumbled Jayfeather. He was _not_ looking forward to this.

Lionblaze was standing in the ceremony hall with the groomsmen: Brambleclaw, Berrynose, Mousewhisker, Molepaw, Foxleap, Toadstep, and Bumblestripe. Since Squirrelflight had taken him shopping, she had basically chosen the tux for him and he wore a navy blue suit with a black-and-blue striped tie. He hated it, but had to admit that it did make him look pretty handsome. He had considered showing up in shorts for the wedding, but didn't want Cinderheart filing for divorce before they even got married and having him arrested for indecent exposure. At least he wasn't in Jayfeather's position right now.

Meanwhile, inside the girls' changing room, the bridesmaids were getting ready. They all had to wear yellow bridesmaid dresses, because Cinderheart said so. But none of them really cared about what they had to wear. Sorreltail, Squirrelflight, Hazeltail, Poppyfrost, Honeyfern, Icecloud, Blossomfall, Briarlight, Dovewing, and Ivypool were more concerned about Cinderheart's wedding dress.

"Why didn't she show me?" groaned Sorreltail. "I wanted to see what she was going to wear!"

"Well, she obviously wanted it to be a surprise," laughed Honeyfern. "Don't worry. It'll be fine."

Meanwhile, Cinderheart was finalizing everything in her own changing room. As Honeyfern had said, she did want her chosen dress to be a surprise, and only Hollyleaf was allowed to help her.

"I've got the antique watch you told me to bring," Hollyleaf said, slipping it on Cinderheart's wrist.

"Something old," said Cinderheart.

"And the necklace Lionblaze bought for you," Hollyleaf added, clasping it on Cinderheart's neck.

"Something new," affirmed Cinderheart.

"Then there's my silver slippers," added Hollyleaf. "That's the something borrowed."

"Right," agreed Cinderheart.

"And then you told me to pick up your order for… exploding blue ice-cream?" Hollyleaf asked in confusion.

"Something blue," laughed Cinderheart. She wasn't meaning to hurt anyone with the ice-cream. She just meant to throw them in the air for a celebration, like firecrackers. Cloudtail had told her that, unlike the grenades they had used during the battle, these firecrackers were practically harmless; they just created blue sparkles in the air and then dissolved into fine dust.

Hollyleaf did Cinderheart's hair and helped her slip on her wedding dress. She helped her pin on the long white veil, and it fell all the way to the ground, trailing feet behind her. Then she was ready.

A knock came on the door. "Are you done?" Brackenfur called from outside.

"We're ready," answered Hollyleaf, unlocking the door.

Brackenfur came in, seeing his daughter all dressed up. His eyes misted over. "Wow, you're beautiful," he breathed. "Are you ready?"

"Of course," grinned Cinderheart, taking her father's hand. Hollyleaf followed.

* * *

By three o'clock, the ceremony was ready. The members of the church filed in, taking their seats. All of them were eagerly ready for this to start.

Leafpool was the pastor at the church. She was very excited to see her son at his wedding. Well, to be honest, she was pretty excited that he was even alive, after all that had happened the previous night. They were lucky that a wedding was even happening right now.

When everyone had sat down in their seats, the groom and the groomsmen were on the stage, and the bridesmaids, maid of honor, and bride knew their positions, Leafpool cued the string quartet to start playing. The ceremony had begun.

First, the bridesmaids walked down the aisle, up to the steps of the platform. They walked in a single file, with bouquets of yellow roses in their arms. They made their way to the front and stood next to the groomsmen.

Next, Hollyleaf walked down the aisle by herself, smoothing out her green velvet dress before entering. She caught Jayfeather's eye and grinned slyly before taking her position. A low growl escaped Jayfeather's throat, but he stopped when Mothwing shot him a dirty look.

Finally, the bride herself entered, walking with her father. Sorreltail gasped in awe. Cinderheart wore a long white dress, made with lace and silk. Pink flowers were pinned in her hair, and her black hair had beautiful curls. Lionblaze saw the golden necklace around her neck and smiled. He was glad she had chosen to wear it.

Soon, Cinderheart had reached the stage by herself and climbed up, facing Lionblaze. The quartet finished their piece, then Leafpool began to speak.

"We are gathered here today, on this happy and joyous occasion, to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony."  
Jayfeather groaned. This was just the usual wedding speech junk. It was almost as torturous as playing Pachelbel's Canon. "This is _wonderful_ ," he muttered sarcastically.

Littlecloud shrugged. "Figures. Have a near-death experience one day and almost get blown up by grenades, then sit in church the next."  
"Marriage is a solemn institution to be held in honor by all," continued Leafpool. "It is the cornerstone of the family and of the community. It requires of those who undertake it a complete and unreserved giving of one's self. It is not to be entered into lightly, as marriage is a sincere and mutual commitment to love one another. This commitment symbolizes the intimate sharing of two lives and still enhances the individuality of each of you."

She paused for a minute. When nothing happened, she clicked in exasperation. "Where are the ring-bearer and the flower girl? Aren't they supposed to be here by now?"

"Oh, right!" Squirrelflight called. She quickly ran backstage. A moment later, she had Alderkit and Sparkkit with her, looking slightly embarrassed. "I told them to go up to the stage with Hollyleaf, but they forgot." She glared at her two kits.

"Sorry," said Sparkkit in her cutest, most innocent voice. "We didn't know that."

The guests laughed as Squirrelflight ushered them to the front of the room.

"Wait, what do we do?" asked Sparkkit.

Squirrelflight groaned. "Didn't I tell you this before? You stand there until Leafpool tells you to throw flowers. After that, scat. Alderkit, you have to give Lionblaze the ring."

"Oh, right," said Alderkit, fishing with the ring-pillow. It took a while, but he managed to pull it out and hand it to Lionblaze. Leafpool waited patiently, then continued her speech.  
"Lionblaze, do you take this woman to be your wedded wife? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health, remaining faithful to her as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," said Lionblaze solemnly. He slipped the ring on Cinderheart's finger.  
"Cinderheart, do you take this man to be your wedded husband? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him in sickness and in health, remaining faithful to him as long as you both shall live?"

"With all my heart," said Cinderheart.

"Then by the power invested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Cinderheart and Lionblaze kissed. As Cinderheart leaned forward, she pulled the blue ice-cream cone from her pocket and threw it into the air. It exploded, bursting into blue sparks. The crowd stood surprised for a moment, and then began to cheer.

"Woah!" gasped Alderkit in admiration.

They all went to the reception area to eat. Cinderheart cut the wedding cake and everyone ate. Sparkkit threw her flowers around, wishing that they could burst into colorful flame like Cinderheart's ice-cream had.

And then Breezepelt threw an exploding Samsung device into the crowd and everyone died.

Just kidding. There's still more to this story.

* * *

Late that night, Lionblaze, Hollyleaf, Jayfeather, and Cinderheart crashed in Lionblaze and Jayfeather's apartment, drinking wine and talking, waiting for Hollyleaf's airbus to come and take her back to StarClan. Cinderheart would be staying with Lionblaze and Jayfeather temporarily, until they could find an apartment for themselves somewhere nearby.

"Does anyone know when the Warriors' Wide Web comes back up?" Cinderheart asked sleepily, leaning back in her recliner.

"Tonight," answered Hollyleaf. "Feathertail and the other technology heads are making the final adjustments. By midnight, the World Wide Web will be gone."

"Oh, good," Lionblaze sighed.

"That's actually _not_ good," Jayfeather meowed. "There's some things I want to do before that."

The other three stared at him. "Why would you possibly _want_ anything to do with the World Wide Web?" asked Cinderheart. "The whole point was to get rid of it!"

"I know," answered Jayfeather patiently. "But there are two things I wanted to do. First, I want to take screenshots of the most ridiculous fanfics we've ever read. Then we can make fun of them, even when we no longer have access to them."

"He's got a point," admitted Hollyleaf. "Some of those stories _were_ pretty funny. And as absurd as it may sound, there _were_ some good ones."

"What was the other thing you wanted to do?" asked Lionblaze.

Jayfeather grinned. "Well," he said, "I'm going to get the other Clan cats to help with this, and then we have one last message to send"…


	18. Dear FanFiction Authors

**I guess you could call this Part 2 of the epilogue. Now we can see what Jayfeather was up to!**

* * *

DEAR FANFICTION AUTHORS

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _I want to clear these things up. I am a warrior now, and I will_ never _go back to being a kittypet. Ever. Oh, and that 'Firestar Doesn't Like Waffles' thing? Not funny. What's it going to be next? 'Graystripe Doesn't Drink Vodka'?"_

 _Signed, Firestar_

* * *

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _First of all, I want to say this: I don't have feelings for Icecloud and I NEVER WILL. Secondly, Heatherfail is NOT my mate! WE HATE EACH OTHER! And lastly, Cinderheart is my ONLY mate! Are we CLEAR?_

 _Signed, Lionblaze_

* * *

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _We have added a new addition to the WARRIOR CODE. "Rule 17: No Twoleg may publish a FanFiction about any cat that includes bad grammar, crack shippings, and lies." I, the ultimate defender of the WARRIOR CODE,_ command _you to_ follow this rule _! Do you_ understand _?_

 _Signed, Hollyleaf_

* * *

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _A blind cat could write better stories than you. I mean, what kind of a twisted mind does it take to think up pairings like that? Why is it ME who gets paired with every single she-cat in the universe! You even paired me with half the toms! Learn how to spell properly and quit it with the baseless pairings. If not, watch out for my stick! She may be an inanimate object, but she's hot!_

 _Or else I'll play two-thousand rounds of Pachelbel's Canon in your ears!_

 _Signed, Jayfeather_

* * *

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _Many things to say 1) I am not gay 2) Stop fangirling over Hollyleaf 3) Start worshipping me 4) I HATE SCOURGE'S GUTS! And I do NOT love him. I do NOT have romantic relations with that tom and I NEVER will. Deal with it!_

 _Angrily, Ashfur_

* * *

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _I actually have something to thank you for. Because of you, my ice-cream store has become so popular! Thank you for forcing those terrors onto my Clanmates so that they all came up to my doorstep and begged for ice-cream! Now, what was I going to say? Oh yeah. IF I SEE ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR HORRIBLE FANFICS EVER AGAIN, I AM MAKING ALL OF YOU PAY FOR MY ICE-CREAM VAN! IT'S YOUR FAULT IT BLEW UP!_

 _Furiously, Cloudtail_

* * *

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _Just because the site's motto is 'Unleash Your Imagination' does not give you the right to post indecent things online. It is an embarrassment to all Twolegs that "lemons" even exist. And what's with those pairings you came up with? I mean, seriously? Cut it out!_

 _From, Bramblestar_

* * *

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _We're having enforced grammar classes in school. One of those classes teach us the difference between "your" and "you're", and "there", "their", and "they're". Maybe you can learn_ that _before you post any of your "stories"?_

 _From, Sparkkit_

* * *

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _The amount of trash posted on that site is… absolutely horrifying. First of all, shut up about my collar. It's PURPLE, okay? No it is not rainbow! So stop spreading propaganda all over the World Wide Web about it. And stop writing stories about me, or I'll throw my Oreo cookies at you!_

 _Threateningly, Scourge_

* * *

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _I've got a Samsung tablet in my hand and I'm not afraid to use it! So knock it off with the stories! And the MARY-SUES! They make me want to scream! Learn how to spell and use correct grammer_ **(notice how he spelt 'grammar' wrong)** _. Or else use a spell-checker, I really don't care!_

 _Whiningly, Breezepelt_

* * *

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _I almost got divorced recently. Want to know why? Because your HORRIBLE FANFICTIONS almost caused me to forget my wife's wedding anniversary! Tawnypelt was soooo mad! It's your fault I didn't bring the cupcakes home! When I find out who wrote that ABOMINABLE lemon, I'm forcing fox-dung ice cream down their throat!_

 _Crankily, Rowanstar_

* * *

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _I am not dating Bluestar! Got that? And stop going on about how Scourge defeated me! His name is Tiny. TINY! And his CookieClan plot failed! So stop writing horrible-quality fanfictions RIGHT NOW!_

 _Or Else, Tigerstar_

* * *

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _Look, can you stop it with the stories? Some of my Tribemates have gone crazy! Brook got that dreadful FanFiction-itis plague after reading one of your lemons. And the old_ and _the new Stoneteller have gone insane!_ Please _? I want my Tribe back!_

 _Pleadingly, Stormfur_

* * *

 _Dear FanFiction Authors,_

 _YOUR ALL TSJUST MEANINES! NO ONE LIKKES UR FANFICTION and I've seen sum of yur 'starkit's prophecy' studyes, r they MAIKING FUN OF ME?/?/? That's so MEAN! If you make fun of meh, you'r goig to the Sark Forest, because I am youre SAVIROR11!111! I'm the PWINCESS! I'm purrfect! And I am NUT a Mary-Sue!_

 _Rainbowishly, StarGleam_

* * *

 **And that's it for today! Yesterday we had a full-scale war, today we had a wedding! And that's it. The story is done. *sad face* I know some of you guys wanted it to go on longer, but that didn't happen. But I hope you enjoyed it all the same!**

 **Anything else to add? Oh yeah, go and check out my other stories! It'll probably make me feel less lonely anyways, especially if you leave a nice review. :) They're not all that humorous actually, some of them are actually pretty tragic. Who knew I could write a tragedy at the same time I was writing a comedy?**

 **Anyways, I'll see you all around and hope you have a nice week!**

 **~ilovewarriorcats123**


	19. April Fool's Day!

**There has been a bit of a problem on this account pertaining to, shall we say… security issues. A hacker came to my account, deleted all my stories, and, worst of all, tried to botch up my entire profile (oh the hours I spent piecing it together! AHH THE PAIN!). They miserably failed, however, and I have managed to recover everything that was deleted before.**

 **Have you guessed it by now? The hacker is me.**

 **This was a rather failed attempt at an April Fool's Day prank, as everyone figured it out immediately. However, I would like to inform you that April Fool's Day in the Clans is not nearly as bad, and actually was quite successful! So enjoy :)**

* * *

~Special Chapter: April Fool's Day~

Cloudtail was becoming quite a nuisance. Ever since the battle with the Dark Forest and CookieClan cats, he had taken all the credit for winning the war, even though Hollyleaf and Jayfeather had taken an important part in it. Since then, he became the lord of all the Clans, and got his way with everything.

He had demanded tribute from everyone in the Clans, to prove his awesomeness, and the Clan leaders had reluctantly agreed to send it to him. He was using it to repair his van, even though he clearly had enough money to fix it, considering how successful his business was. All of the cats resented his high-and-mighty ways, and the fact that he had taken on a new title: the Lord of Frozen Death.

One day, Lionblaze, Hollyleaf, Jayfeather, and Cinderheart were discussing ways to get back at him.

"We could boycott his ice-cream," suggested Hollyleaf. "Then he won't make any money."

Cinderheart shook her head. "Not going to work. No one is going to boycott his ice-cream, no matter how much they hate him. We live on the stuff. Besides, we all pay tribute anyways, so he can still get money regardless."

"Boycotts are so _boring_ ," added Lionblaze. "We need some real action."

Jayfeather agreed. He was getting bored, sitting around and doing nothing. Ever since what had happened at the battle, Alderkit and Sparkkit were treating him like a hero, always pestering him with their silly questions. He was always called to kitten-sit them. He was ready to do something now.

"Throw some of his own grenades at his face," Lionblaze suggested. "I hear the popsicle sticks work really well."

"That will most certainly NOT do!" shrilled Hollyleaf suddenly, standing right up. "The WARRIOR CODE is clear about that. Rule 999,999,999,999 is: 'Any cat caught throwing ice-cream grenades at a member of the Clans will be subjected to torture in an igloo and subjected to eat mouse-dung ice-cream until they throw-up.'

Lionblaze, Jayfeather, and Cinderheart stared at her in dismay. "You didn't tell us that," said Lionblaze.

"I put it in myself," said Hollyleaf crisply. "The rule stays."

"Well, there's only one alternative," said Cinderheart. "Jayfeather, do you remember the screen-shots of the fanfictions that you took?"

"I sure do," said Jayfeather, a sudden grin going to his face. "Right here." He took out his phone and showed it to the others. "I can send these to him. He'll get such a shock that he'll never demand tribute again."

"Hang on a minute!" cried Hollyleaf. " _Another_ violation to the WARRIOR CODE! Rule 1,000,000,000,000 is: 'Any cat caught distributing indecent images, such as fox-dung, Oreo cookies, Android phones, oh yeah, and _fanfiction_ , will be sent to the igloo and tortured for ten months straight!"

"Hollyleaf, you spoil-sport!" cried Lionblaze. "This would be so much fun to do. If you report us to the law, the perfect chance for revenge will have been ruined!"

Hollyleaf wasn't finished yet, however. "Of course, the rule says only if you get _caught_ ," she continued, a malicious gleam tainting her emerald eyes. "And unless you send it in an email or text, which can be easily traced to you, there's no way to get caught!"

"Are you suggesting we _break rules_?" asked Cinderheart in mock horror.

"I suggest no such thing," answered Hollyleaf. "Now remember, this conversation never happened! If you three can work something out, you shall be the heroes, not Cloudtail!"

She left three excited cats with very mischievous plans.

"Now what shall we do?" asked Cinderheart.

"I got it," said Jayfeather. "We just need to sneak into Cloudtail's home and hack his computer."

"That shouldn't be much a problem, he's always at the Ice-Creamería anyways," replied Lionblaze. "Let's go."

They went to the car. Lionblaze fired up the engine, driving them to his lordship's house. It was decided that Lionblaze would keep watch outside, while Cinderheart and Jayfeather, who were better with technology, would do their thing.

"What _is_ your plan?" Cinderheart asked Jayfeather as they went into the house. "I hope you've got something good."

"Yes," said Jayfeather. "You just need to insert these photos into his hard drive. I'll deal with his phone." He held up a flash drive.

Cinderheart shook her head and turned on Cloudtail's computer. She hacked into it **(the true definition of hacking, not the fake stuff I did this morning)**. She inserted the photos easily enough, and then even put a particularly horrible one as his desktop wallpaper.

"That'll make him sit up," she grinned, turning off the computer. She then gasped in horror as she saw Jayfeather with Cloudtail's phone. "Jayfeather, what in StarClan's name are you doing?"

Jayfeather was using a software that kept Jayfeather's Mac fully in charge of Cloudtail's iPhone. That meant that Jayfeather could access his files, lock his phone into an app, see what he was doing, or even delete all his storage if he really wanted to. He looked up at Cinderheart.

"I'll remove the software when this is all over," he promised. "This is just to give him a shock. It's what he deserves." He finished the installation process and turned the phone off, then went to the computer. He quickly printed out a QR code and left it conspicuously on the table.

"This is going to be fun," Cinderheart grinned. Then she had a thought. "I say, it's April 1st today. I read something about this day on the World Wide Web. Isn't today supposed to be a day for pranks or something?"

"Is it?" asked Jayfeather.

"Yes," responded Cinderheart. "Though most of the pranks, I've heard, are not really that successful. We'd better make sure ours is!"

"Right," agreed Jayfeather. He then found a step-ladder while Cinderheart got the security-camera. She then climbed up, and attached the camera to the ceiling, careful to obscure it behind a curtain, yet put it in a position where they could see everything in the room.

Suddenly, Jayfeather's phone buzzed, and he received a frantic text from Lionblaze:

 _ **Lionblaze:**_ _His Lordship is outside right now. You'd better get out of there, or else it'll_ really _be Frozen Death for you both!_

Jayfeather's heart took a flip. "We'd better go," he said to Cinderheart. She quickly finished hanging up the camera and leapt off the ladder, putting it back where they found it. The two dashed out, through the back door, and shut it – just seconds before Cloudtail entered his home through the front door.

For a second, he frowned suspiciously, imagining that he heard the sound of the back door slamming shut. Then he decided that he'd ignored it. After all, who would dare come and trespass on _his_ property? _Him_ , the Lord of Frozen Death. No, the Lord of _Explosive_ Frozen Doom. He reckoned he'd better tell Bramblestar that he'd changed his title, so that it could be officially recognized.

Sighing dramatically, he sat down in his office chair. He found his phone on the table and took it out. Normally, he didn't bring it to work, seeing that it interfered with his thousands of ice-cream orders. He unlocked the device, not yet suspecting a thing.

While in the backseat of Lionblaze and Cinderheart's car, Jayfeather was giggling. He could see everything Cloudtail was doing on his Mac. He watched with eagerness as Cloudtail's screen changed. Meanwhile, Cinderheart and Lionblaze were watching the security surveillance on Cinderheart's phone, laughing the entire time. They watched with anticipation as he picked up the QR Code, puzzled.

"He's going to scan it!" said Cinderheart. "Just watch!"

And that's exactly what Cloudtail did, though confused he was. He scanned the code with his phone, and it instantly directed him to a website. His eyes bugged out as he saw that it was a website with screenshots of… _fanfictions_. He tried to click the home button, but Jayfeather had already enabled single-app mode, which prevented him from leaving the Qrafter app. Cursing, Cloudtail sat down, his eyes glued to the screen in a sort of horrid fascination.

"This is particularly bad," he gasped. "Cliché plot, bad grammar, death, and – oh, I thought we put this all behind us! What in the universe is _this_?" He opened up one story.

"Oh my lord!" he cried. "This one is about me and Brightheart together, doing"… he couldn't even finish the sentence. "One of those horrible lemons!"

Cinderheart, Lionblaze, and Jayfeather were in hysterics as he continued reading. Cloudtail gasped even harder as he saw more horrible stories.

"What is _this_?" he cried as he opened a story titled 'Ivydawn's Destiny'. "What kind of a prophecy is this? 'The ivy will save the Clans from the thorns'? Wow, I have _no_ idea who's going to do _that_!" The heroine of the story, obviously, was Ivydawn, and the villain was a cat with 'thorn' in his or her name.

Cloudtail continued reading, increasingly growing more and more paranoid.

"What's wrong with these names?" he shrieked. "'Hammerpaw'? 'Umbrellafan'? 'Cupcakecandle'? Cats aren't even supposed to know what those things _are_!" **(Wow, totally disregarding the fact that he owns an** ** _ice-cream_** **store, which is the last thing you'd expect a cat to have)**.

"Hmm… I'll check the romance fic photos. Maybe the pairings will be decent."

"You bet they are," cried Lionblaze, causing Jayfeather and Cinderheart to roar with laughter.

"Hm… Cloudtail x Brightheart! Of course! What you'd expect!" Cloudtail beamed around. Then he frowned.

"Cloudtail x Daisy? I was drunk on ice-cream shakes, okay? Can we forget about that?" His wife, Brightheart, wasn't too happy about what had happened before with him and Daisy.

"Cloudtail x Lostface – who _is_ that? And why would I want to date a she-cat with a lost face?"

"Lostface _is_ Brightheart, moron," Cinderheart shouted. "And I am _so_ telling her you said that."

Cloudtail fortunately couldn't hear Cinderheart, which was just as well. He was too busy freaking out about the next pairing.

"Cloudtail x … _Princess_?" Cloudtail shrieked. "She's my _mom_! That is _beyond_ creepy!" His eyes grew wild. "Cloudtail x Firestar – no, no, and no!"

The three cats in the car were laughing hard at this point. Cinderheart couldn't resist. She took a story that she had written recently, just to make fun of Cloudtail. She quickly airdropped it to Cloudtail.

Cloudtail frowned as he saw the airdrop appear on his screen. Before he could decide, Jayfeather clicked 'Accept' on his Mac. Cloudtail's eyes grew wide with horror as he saw the picture in detail. "Cloudtail x Stargleam? NUUUUUUU!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!1!" He ran to the window and actually threw up.

"This is so horrible," gasped Cloudtail. "I'm going to check my favorability ratings to see how many people like my ice-cream." Normally, everyone loved Cloudtail's ice-cream, so his ratings were always extremely high. It was often a morale boost that Cloudtail looked at when he was feeling really down. He turned on his computer, and gasped.

"They're EVERYWHERE!111111111111!1!11!11111!" he screamed, seeing the thousands of photos of fanfictions on his desktop. "I – CAN'T – _TAKE_ – IT – ANYMORE!"

And then Cloudtail promptly fainted. Laughing, Lionblaze called Hollyleaf to tell her that their plan had been a success. Jayfeather began to dismantle the software from his Mac, but not before sending a message on Cloudtail's iPhone, telling the Clan leaders that the lord was renouncing his title, and the tribute payments were off.

Happy April Fool's, everyone.


End file.
